SEEING ME

when people love you they,
don't take no for an answer
send you gifts though you haven't spoken in 3 years
call you even though you've been estranged for 2 months
make you orea cookie ice cream cake
decorate your front lawn with pictures drawn in crayon
tell stories of your meeting
smile so big when they see you
write you beatiful love notes though they don't like writing
tell you how good you are
hold you in their palms
see through to the very best part of you
make you look beautiful in photos
demand you stay
look you up online after 11 years to connect
give you money unconditionally
trust that you will not be angry
send you beautiful loving poems
are sad when you are sad

when people love you they see you, they really, really see you.

ramblings from the american girl in france

okay, seriously, i feel so strange.
in a good way, though.
i think.
i cried yesterday and to say the truth, i am surprised
i haven't cried more.
i'm neglecting any capital letters to indicate to you
that i feel small like the letters. no caps.
its not small in the worst way.
and i know this is a blessing for me to not have any control
none whatsoever.
i think.
i don't even quite know where to start.
i try to document a few notes a day so as not to forget.
and each day we take photos.
i am so thankful to have finally invested in a digital camera
because at the end of each day, i go back and look at what has
happened.
we walk each day from the little city/village
i don't know what the hell it is but it is quaint and beautiful
and we descend 500 wooden stairs down the country side into Rouen
to look for an apartment, open a bank account, investigate cell phones
i say "we" but really i am like a small child holding the hand of an adult (who is mati) while he negotiates the conversations
he understands 60% of what they say.
i nod.
i understand 1 out of every 2000 words.
i hope for the best.
i walk around saying to myself, "i resist nothing"
and go with the flow.
and i recognize how regularly in my life i've flexed my will
through conversation
i guess i might be babbling now about how little i understand
and i'm sorry
it just feels so good to be writing in my own language
so free
natural, knowing those reading will understand me.
as soon as we get an apartment,
which as it turns out, is a very difficult task
for americans.
when the owners rent to someone and something goes wrong,
say perhaps, the renter can't pay or is a disgusting pigish wreck or something,
i guess it is nearly impossible to get them out.
they can squat for as long as they wish
there is no real beuracracy to evict them
so, the owners are very suspicious.
you must make 3x the amount of the rent and show documentation
and maybe even have someone to guarantee or vouch for you in case you can't pay
and even they will sign papers too.
also the apartments for rent are few and far between
yesterday we had our first appointment to look at a flat/apartment
(by the way, its not like at home, where you look around for a period of time - here, if you find something reasonable, you take it right away or it will be gone-kinda weird - so you may have 10 appointments and your dream flat could be the 10th but if you look at the first one and its acceptable, you take it) whoa, dude.
we made so many phone calls and finally an appointment.
we went and scoped out the neighborhood....it seemed very loud on the street and we thought it may have been a real shithole.
but then yesterday, we arrived and a nice french woman greeted us, took us inside and i became more and more happy as we went into the entry way...painted a lovely yellow, big garden, lots of old beautiful concrete and mossy looking corners, up the stairs, into the perfect little one bedroom flat...
i immediately began planning our life as mati spoke to the woman
i was sure it was ours.
then as i re-entered the conversation - listening to mati's tone and the woman's tone change, i could tell things began taking a turn for the rainy.
i felt a lump in my throat and realized i had taken myself too far into the future.
we didn't make enough money and had to have more guarantees.
so the city chewed us up a little and a good cry was necessary.
we've walked a considerable amount of miles over the last few days.
and i suppose i might be a little lonely inside my body
i've not heard one ounce of english since i've been here
i do love dinner time at our host's home
i can't wait to post the photos
i made dinner last night - it was indescribably delicious - not because i am that wonderful of a cook - but because the vegetables from the markets are ridiculously sweet and flavorful
tomato soup with a little goat cheese
red potatoes boiled then baked to perfect crunchiness in olive and little salt and pepper
with a big ass salad.
simple but rather delicious and they loved it
the first day we brought delicious champagne and they offered us 2 extra days to stay
i cooked last night and now they are helping us find lodging for the weekend with friends so we don't have to pay.
it seems a little american love goes a long way.
they didn't have a good experience with the last americans they hosted and they think americans don't cook well
so they say they haven't eaten so well when americans have cooked and they are pleasantly surprised and grateful.
i better go...but there is so much to tell....i hope i won't bore you with all the details.
i miss you so so very much
i hope your birthdays are wonderful
as soon i have a roof over my head to call my own, i'll send care packages...
well, once i figure out le post.
oh one last thing
i got so bent out of shape by not having any control,
i went to buy a pack of cigarettes and forgot the lighter
so i was negotiating the transaction on my own
i say to the cashier "sil vous plait, un petite bic"
you know, "please, can i have a small bic"
she gave me a funny look and the man standing behind her
says, "biC" over prounouncing the C
later that night, as i was telling mati about my experience,
i realized, she must have thought i said, "sil vous plait, un petite bit"
"please, can i have a small dick"

what's up with....

the nose picking frenchmen
hilariously shameless french nose picking men
on trains
on buses
in restaurants.

dear loved friends.
we're here and looking for an apartment
it is extraordinary
will post more very soon
people are unspeakably irreverantly attractive
despite nose picking tendencies.

love you.

learning

When angels talk

Nobody is courageous all the time. The unknown is a constant challenge, and being afraid is part of the journey.

What to do? Talk to yourself. Talk alone. Talk to yourself even if others think you have gone crazy. As we talk, an inner force gives us the security to overcome the obstacles that need to be surmounted. We learn lessons from the defeats that we are bound to suffer. And we prepare ourselves for the many victories that will be part of our life.

And just between you and me, those who have this habit (and I’m one of them) know that they never talk alone: the guardian angel is there, listening and helping us to reflect. What follows are some stories about angels.

open flame

this photo was taken just before my hair caught on fire...
how will i make it without either of you here?

I am learning

of course

so last week i have this wonderful discussion with a trusted friend about empathy and allowing and accepting and getting the f*#k out of my own way. then on my way home i stop and visit with the clarkster (tracey clark) lucky me and whatever she doesn't tell me, her daughters teach me about being present and loving and slowing down and that i am okay and such... i leave her house and i drive the pacific coast highway (hereafter PCH)towards my house. as i'm driving i remember that a few weeks ago my massage therapist told me about these amazing apricots called, black velvet apricots and that a store on PCH sold them. i switch three lanes and pull into the parking lot (food obsessed). as i step out of my car and towards the market (it is 8:30 pm) a young teenage girl asks me if i have any money because she and her mom and brother are trying to get a room for the night. now, i am from the school of thought that reminds me i have no business asking or
> judging if someone needs money, if they are asking, they need it, no matter what they end up spending it on. so i tell her that i will give her some money once i return from the store. of course, while in the store, i can't think of anything else, remembering a time in my life when my family struggled and my mom would not ask for help and we slept in the cold...so when i leave the store and go back to hand them my $5 bill i ask what their plans are and how they will manage. the mother shares that they are collecting enough money to stay at the local motel 6 which is $60. i, recognizing that i have no credit cards or any more cash think okay, what can i do? as a coincidence which of course there is no such thing , my man is having dinner with a few college friends literally minutes away. so i call him and say, "baby, do you think i could meet you to borrow $60 dollars", not even asking why he replies, " sure, where are you?" "down the street i'll meet
> you in five minutes" i say. as i'm leaving i walk over to the mother and say, "i will be right back with $60 dollars". as i turn to leave i stop and turn around and extend my hand and say, "my name is myriam, what is your name?" and she replies "joy, my name is joy"
>
of course it is...
>
> Accept the good baby, accept the good.

Words from a New Daughter - in - Law

I AM NOT A PACK ANIMAL

to be continued...