This Man

This man made LOVE to me last night. He laid me down and held me close and told me to relax and he proceeded to look at me, encourage me, enjoy me and see me. Something has always felt strange ith me about sex, I'm not sure exactly how to explain it but I recognize that I am disconnected to my body. There are very, very few times that I can recount that I have been intimate with my love and not have had a sip of soemthing, even if it's just a tiny shot of something to "calm" me. Calm me- calm me from what, a man I have chosen to share my life with, a man who has cleaned my poop, a man who has sat with me as I cried in such despair, it bought tears to his eyes. I understand that this is more about me than about him, this fear, this nervousness, this shyness but Lord give me a shot of Tequila and it's on, well, I guess I should say I'm on. I don't want to be on, I want to be here, I want to be connected, I want to feel powerful, I want to feel loved, accepted, free, brave, excited. He made love to me not in the physical act but in the discussion, the way he gently asked me what we could do together to make more comfortable. I know it will take time but it's a wonderful start. I feel so very loved.

meetchamidway

the title is so appropriate right now with us all spread out across 2 continents. i love love love reading about your daily french goings-on. beachiesgonefrench. a perfect description.

i am here in front of my computer in salem, ma about to put it in high gear for my work day. dave just took max for a walk before dropping him off at the Y, where he never sleeps. we spend every day that he's not there helping him catch up on his precious sleep. and i spend lots of time being creative with food so that max learns to love green veges and lentils and all things good for his cells that are working in overdrive every second, trying desperately to keep up with his desire to learn and move and do.

i try to take lessons from max. joy - that's what you see in kids, right mj? that's what inspired you to create those beautiful t's? i'm trying to take the joy that max inspires me to feel each time i look at him and keep it alive inside, so that i feel it fully myself and so that joy exudes from me. it's a worthwhile exercise. food for the soul.

I'm in!!

not sure how or why but i just kept trying all possible combos and voila! so yeah, emily. emmm. well.. that is exactly how i was feeling the other day(s). arms crossed. feet stamped. not wanting to cooperate with anything.

i think i've flowed into a new space in the last few days. it feels better to be here. although 'there' is necessary too.

it's a beeeautiful gorgeous crisp and cool fall day outside. sun shining. breezy. 60's. i love this weather. it's energizing?

so as you can see, emily has left the room and right now i'm known as mamamamama to max and he's been in the crib for 1 hr. - time to whisk him away to daycare. sniff sniff. wish i could spend all day connecting with you two and enjoying him.

later my friends. i'll be on later.

i got a call and an email from...

this sweet friend of ours named linda lou. and for some reason her tone reminded me of this little emily, arms crossed, stomping her feet and expressing in her sweetest voice her displeasure.

wow, i thought to myself, motherhood has added some serious spice to this lovely lou!

she made statements like " i DON'T want to get emails from ruthie for everyone, i want her to just write to you and me!" it was wonderful listening to our friend express and make demands-it appears that fiona and see see have a new friend, her name is emily and she lives in salem

bring it on sister, bring it on...