This man made LOVE to me last night. He laid me down and held me close and told me to relax and he proceeded to look at me, encourage me, enjoy me and see me. Something has always felt strange ith me about sex, I'm not sure exactly how to explain it but I recognize that I am disconnected to my body. There are very, very few times that I can recount that I have been intimate with my love and not have had a sip of soemthing, even if it's just a tiny shot of something to "calm" me. Calm me- calm me from what, a man I have chosen to share my life with, a man who has cleaned my poop, a man who has sat with me as I cried in such despair, it bought tears to his eyes. I understand that this is more about me than about him, this fear, this nervousness, this shyness but Lord give me a shot of Tequila and it's on, well, I guess I should say I'm on. I don't want to be on, I want to be here, I want to be connected, I want to feel powerful, I want to feel loved, accepted, free, brave, excited. He made love to me not in the physical act but in the discussion, the way he gently asked me what we could do together to make more comfortable. I know it will take time but it's a wonderful start. I feel so very loved.
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