Fighting

The mornings are the hardest for me. I awake from sleep (finally a full night's rest) and my mind starts, racing, fighting. My first few hours at work are tormented as I move in and out of so many thoughts and judgements and fears. Now it's medications and doctors and therapies and lists, and reading and calming and breathing when all I really want is to be still. The medications make me so tired and numb but without them I can't balance or stay afloat. Everything hits at once and I can't make sense of anything. I want to be isolated and then am afraid to be alone. It's the worst of existence right now though things actually seem to be getting better. Just trying to get through this hour, just this goddamn hour.