"Thank you, Bootie"

Yes, there is gonna be poop talk here. The kind of poop talk that is challenging even to me - me, who has become a regular poop connoisseur.
I read this in a Mary Oliver poem yesterday.

..Look, I want to love this world as though it's the last chance I'm ever going to get to be alive, and know it...

So yeah, I think this kind of living lately has taken a toll on my digestive tract.
Let's see if I can give you a quick recap - well, it might not be so quick, but I miss you so bear with me. Please.

Banquets. I'm not used to them. I get into everything too much. I get all emotional and involved in profiling every student, taking in every single outfit, conversation, and intently listening to the speakers' speech to see if they are still enjoying their work. I could probably be a little less intense at these things.

One of my favorite poems, called "An Ode to Hey Suess" about my crush on Jesus as a child performed at Cal State was truly awesome to see but the show is cited as "32 undergrads squirting adrenaline on the walls". and it literally was. Do those things NEED to be 3 hours? Provoking that much energy for such a prolonged period of time?? Can that be healthy?
This event, as it turns, initiated my own adrenaline levels to rise and and my gastric, gallbladder and pancreatic juices joined the party too.

Not only are my two most profoundly sweet friends celebrating my marriage with me, but I found the perfect party dress at Loehmans. I made an appointment to have my hair done all pretty. I met with a lovely woman who will put a perfect embellishment on my dress. My friends are coming to town to celebrate with me on a warm June day and this is beyond my hopes and so very lovely too. Its lovely, says me. gurgly rumblygurgle goo, say my intestinal walls.

I got in touch with a couple, Hans and Vivian, whom I haven't spoken to in years and I miss them. We're playing phone tag.
They would like to get together. I can't wait. I'm a little excited and nervous too.

It turns out I don't have a criminal record and there is no warrant out for my arrest in Long Beach. - At this time.

I'm conducting oral exams with the students, who vary from "Extreme dumbass making a stellar comeback instigating my weeping" to "Excuse me, did you KNOW there was an exam on this stuff today?" - all of which makes me as nervous as it does them.

I'm thinner than I used to be. I feel comfortable in my skin. I can pull my knees up to my chest and sit the way I like to sit. Carrying less weight feels good on my bad knee too. So that's good. But it makes me kinda nervous too.

We're trying to figure when we have the time to go and tie up the knot, get married, be Mr. and Mrs. Gervase? I watched the movie Waitress one afternoon, which was nice, except the part where she says about her abusive husband, "He changed once we got married". Yeah, that worked out for me that day in the way of relaxation.

Mati's brother and girlfriend are coming into town the day we finish finals. I love them. But I haven't done laundry in six weeks or cleaned the house or catch up with friends or just sit in the cottage and accept the idea that we're not coming back here at the end of our stay in France.

Our other friend Quan is coming to town this Thursday. He likes group dinners. We're going because we adore him. But I'm not fond of group dinners right now. Because I think my digestive tract woes began at a group dinner when I went for the cheese tortellini that didn't actually have cheese in the sauce. I think it was one of those fancy engineered white sauces.

With all this change and transition, I thought I was adjusting nicely. My body reveals otherwise. It has its own way of dealing with the movement in my world. It just keeps makin' poop like a woman who gets nervous and bakes to calm down. My body just kept making the poop and tellin' me to get rid of it.

The stools loose and weird, I tried not to go all paranoid like I usually do, attributing this intestinal episode to some strange disease that only a brilliant infectious diagnostician could solve. I decided to let it go and try to relax and take care of myself.

I put my work on hold and tried to sleep as much as possible. I ate my salads and fruits and immediately had to do the "2".
I slept some more because I was tired of pooping, which was good, but the minute I would wake, I'd have to go you know where. And my body ached too.
So I slept some more and it wasn't helping and so I'd go for a walk and that would help for a little but when I would lay down, feeling lethargic I couldn't get comfortable. I took a hot bath and that was okay and so when I couldn't think of anything else, I resorted to the Niquil and finally - goodnight moon.
The next morning, I was mortified when I had to leave my tai chi class in order to go to restroom to do you know what. Its a small group. In a small place. and the restroom is near the place where we quietly practice this gorgeous art of presence mixed with movement. And this is when the panic set in.
This kind of thing has never happened before. Something is really wrong. Me, there, in the bathroom examining my stool, seeing what's in it, how does float, is it smelly, greasy, are there creatures in it.....what the HELL??
"What if I feel like this when I'm spending time with Linda and Myriam? What if I feel like this when I get married?? What if something is really really wrong??? What if ????"

Once I got home, I got to researching. I found this: Graphic? yes, but please read on!!

What Does an Ideal Bowel Movement Look Like?

An ideal bowel movement is medium brown, the color of plain cardboard. It leaves the body easily with no straining or discomfort. It should have the consistency of toothpaste, and be approximately 4 to 8 inches long. Stool should enter the water smoothly and slowly fall once it reaches the water. There should be little gas or odor.

ABNORMAL STOOLS. Gross? Yes. But very very informative. So PLEASE, for the love of God, read on!!
Soft, foul-smelling stool that floats, sticks to the side of the bowl, or is difficult to flush away may mean there is increased fat in the stools, called steatorrhea. Stool is sometimes also pale.

Mucus in Stool. Whitish mucus in stool may indicate there is inflammation in the intestines. Mucus in stool can occur with either constipation or diarrhea.

Green Stool. The liver constantly makes bile, a bright green fluid, that is secreted directly into the small intestine or stored in the gallbladder.

Loose Stool. In traditional Chinese medicine, loose stools, abdominal bloating, lack of energy, and poor appetite can be signs of a condition known as spleen qi deficiency. It doesn't necessarily involve your actual spleen, but it is linked to tiredness and weak digestion brought on by stress and poor diet. (This one fits me)

Pencil Thin Stool. Like loose stools, stool that is pencil thin can be caused by a condition known in traditional Chinese medicine as spleen qi deficiency. (This one's me too)

Eating certain foods in excess is thought to worsen spleen qi deficiency. Offending foods include fried or greasy foods, dairy, raw fruits and vegetables, and cold drinks, all believed to cause "cold" and "dampness" in the body. Dietary treatment of spleen qi deficiency involves eating warm, cooked foods. Ginger tea and cinnamon tea are also warming.

Pencil thin stool can also be caused by a bowel obstruction. Benign rectal polyps, prostate enlargement, colon or prostate cancer are some of the conditions that can cause obstruction.

Hard Stool. With constipation, infrequent or hard stool is passed with straining.

Pellet stool is stool that comes out in small, round balls. In traditional Chinese medicine, pellet stool is caused by a condition known as liver qi stagnation.

Yellow stool can indicate that food is passing through the digestive tract relatively quickly. Yellow stool can be found in people with GERD

The research was productive. I've taken action and I'm finally feeling better now.
I figured out from the Barefoot Doctor's Manual - that I may have spleen qi energy deficiency from overwork and stress and the raw fruits and vegetables were reaking havoc on my bowels.
So I stopped eating the raw fruits and vegies for the time being and introduced more warm cooked foods and LOW AND FUCKING BEHOLD, I IMMEDIATELY FELT BETTER. How incredibly simple. and beautiful. despite the stool descriptions. I apologize.

Warm cooked foods instead of the cold raw ones are making me sooo much better.(unfortunately, the cold raw ones are convenient during busy and hot days)
The warm cooked foods helped AND knowing that Myriam will be coming home soon and that THE RINGERS ARE COMING TO TOWN TOO!!!!!
okay, calm.

Now, I'm sitting here with my ginger tea.

And "Thank you, bootie" was what literally came out of my mouth - in a relieved and gratitude formation sigh - when my stool returned its healthy glow and consistency I've become accustomed to. I , of course, immediately thought of how I had to tell the two of you that I sat on the potty, I said "Thank you, bootie" Out LOUD, because I am feeling better for when my friends visit, my wedding party and finally my digestive tract and I agree that I am almost ready to say "Bon Voyage" with love.

I love you both and cannot wait to see you. Please let the days be easy and graceful until I can see my best friends.
Thank you bootie.