Hello Hello

Sorry to interrupt your posts, but I just wanted to butt in and say hello to my two old friends who I haven't spoken to in....well, too long. I understand that there are lots of congratulations to go around...Ruth, on your marriage and wonderful adventure in France and Myriam on your engagement and new baby on the way. I am always so happy to hear about you guys and the joyful lives that you are creating. I hope your holidays have been the best. I am wishing you a merry everything and much much love and abundance in 2009. Love - Patty

I'm doing that thing....

where I kinda isolate myself...you know...
and I get all weird...
and really there's no good reason....
really there's only reason to celebrate...
but like a crab or a turtle or something...I'm hiding under a hard shell...
and really no one here knows I do that except for Mati....but he can only do so much ...he loves me so well already...
it happens when i get overwhelmed..by anything - good or bad....and I can't see my way through....to anything...
and its usually you...
who know when its time to come and get me and explain the bigger ways of the world to me...
and its usually you..who know how to find me....even if I pinch a little..you know I'm harmless and you understand my abstract definitions of why...and
and no one here knows that about me....
and and.....
that's all...
I feel funny today.

I got this note from my "sister"
I feel funny.
She's seems nice...

Where are you two?? I wanna touch your belly, Myriam and look at your hair, Linda.


Hello Dear Ruth,

I am your sister
and have always been,
Your memories of me I am sure
are quite slim...

The occasions our paths crossed
were very few,
But I could never, never
stop thinking of you.

And now when I lay down to sleep tonight
My heart will be filled with great delight

Because

I seen my sister by chance..
Living and loving in the streets of France.

Always
Mona Lynn, Olivas, AKA Ramona Bejarano AKA Mony Velasquez

I'm all stifled and can't think or speak & shit.
Just get here already.
Less than a month feels like more than 5 years.
Hurry.
Hurry.
Hurry.
Just Hurry.
But be careful....but hurry.
get here. now.

I can't stop staring at the baby/ring picture ...its my favorite. ever.
Hurry now.
Hurry up.

and a happy new year...!

MERRY Christmas!

Hi to my two dear friends. I haven't yet connected with Myriam, but there's still time in the day. And you, Ruth, we have missed each other today. I'm so sad about that - not hearing your voice and yesterday it was so short.I was in the kitchen cooking a big pot of red and brown curry lentils with cauliflower, peas, onions, garlic, and carrots. It's the only thing Max will eat lately, except for oatmeal and of course yummy fruit, nut, tofu shakes. I hope you both are having a very very merry merry day. I miss you both and CAN NOT WAIT until we three are together for an enchanted visit in less than a month!! due to the orchestrating and generosity of you, myriam. thank you thank you thank you for helping me be there with you two. i love you both. love love love.

One month from today...

we will be sitting down to supper together.

oh and by the way Ruthie Mae Conchitta, you'll be needing 2 extra plates.

merry christmas

merry merry

good morning. it's 4:15 am here, salem, ma...and max has been awake since 2:30. he must be excited about our trip this morning. we're leaving for texas in a few hours. i love you two and my life wouldn't be as merry without you.

love.

Woke up this morning, Needing to Clarify - Love you both very much.

Okay...so back to the ADDH or ADHADh ...attention deficit ideas.
I just need to make sure you both understand what I mean when I say a lack discipline can feel like attention deficit disorder.

The human brain and entire organism can only take in so much and yet we have inundated it with uncountable choices. Supermarket shopping, entertainment, travel, you tube movies, sports and television, computers, cars, housing, health, exercise, forming your identity etc....the choices and questions around the choices we have are astonishing and endless.

And this is good a thing. I believe that to be true. This is an extraordinary time to be alive. I feel grateful every single day to wake and have so many choices. But I think we must be aware of how this environment plays on our spirits and bodies. Because that too, is profound, and if we are unaware of how modern living is affecting our bodies and spirits, then we are only prisoners of a world we've created without knowing none the better.

So, with regards to being disciplined, which I spoke to the two of you about yesterday and this applies to me too. I often find myself throwing strange temper tantrums around not having enough time to do all the things I want to do here and how fast time is going and how I've not written letters the way I wanted to and how yes, we've joined the boathouse and I love it so much but we we're not going enough and how there are so many restaurants to try and only so many feasting weekends...and ..on and on...and these choices which are not grave but on the contrary, they are the kinds of fun choices I've never really allowed myself to have before in the name of having to make money and feel like I'm doing something productive....

The tantrum eventually transforms into that feeling of having "attention deficit". But the truth is...even as much as Mati and I have tried to simplify our days, there is that tendency, even only working a small amount of time to feel overwhelmed.
It's like a big gourmet buffet nightmare and you've just started at the beginning of the line and everything is delicious but you look down to the end of the table and your very favorite thing is down at the end...and will there be enough by the time you get there? Do you pass up all the other delicious things on your way? Should you just get out of the line and run down there and butt in front of somebody? Anxiety...in the buffet line...this is supposed to be fun, godammit!

What I know to be true is this:
After you've fulfilled your responsibilities at the end of a day and with what little time you have to choose from the countless joyful hobbies you'd like to participate in..writing, piano playing, running, watching a good film, cooking, grooming...whatever...there's very little time and sometimes you're not well rested...or possibly well exercised...or well fed and so it's hard.

So,without labeling a beautiful amazing body and spirit with attention deficit..how about looking at the bigger picture first..that's what I'm saying.

Discipline is what it takes. With the most fun things, you must exercise the discipline of giving that thing your attention...your full attention.

If you pick one thing you know you'd really love to do. Let's say the piano, for instance. You love the piano and you're so good. It takes discipline. and that's very simple because you can't distract yourself from the simplicity of "I didn't do it today, because I wasn't disciplined." It can be easier to justify not playing the piano by thinking about ways to combat the attention deficit.

Sit down and play.
and the next day at the same time, sit down and play again. and if it's only for 5 seconds, you sat at the bench.
and keep doing it until suddenly you will realize you've built yourself a practice of playing ...something that is joyful and nourishes you.

This is the point I'm trying to make:
When you give yourself over to something you love..and you practice at disciplining yourself to participate regularly in the thing...the piano, the writing, the traveling...whatever it is...YOU MUST SACRIFICE OTHER CHOICES.

That's the hard part of modern living. Everyone wants everything. It seems we should have it. It's there. The choices are there for us. But, if we're not carefully aware, we choose nothing and we get nothing, but maybe a few extra episodes of a good television program images in our brain files. And that's not bad, either. Television could be a choice rather than a default to paralysis because it's hard to do the other things.

But make no mistake, that in our world environment, it will take extreme discipline to fight for the time we love and it will take discipline to practice the art of participating in things that we love to do...that are fun...because we save those things for last...after work, after feeding everyone, after bills, after...after after...

Remember that we have had more technological advances in the last ten years than we have had in the previous 100 years. Doesn't it make sense that our organism, the human body will need some time to evolve and catch up?...Until then we must be gentle and practice.

Steady as she goes..

Hi lovely friends. I have no good reasons why i haven't posted in so long. no good reason at all. i've had much going on in my life, but so have you both, too. i've said this before but i wish i could just tape my thoughts and they would be dictated into a journal. i want to write them. and i like keeping a journal. but i just don't. i seriously think i have an attention span disorder. i've coped well all these years but it's there.

Well here i am - months and months after writing a post called "Fluidity" which spoke of Dave and I possibly moving to CT and the time has come. At least I should say, the time has come if we can figure out a way out of this condo. It won't be pretty but it's necessary.

Even though I have no idea how we can extricate ourselves from the hundreds of papers we signed saying we would pay the whole entire amount back, so help me God... I can feel that we are in flux. It can be felt and sensed when inside our first little abode, what we would affectionately call our cube, cement block or cave, depending on the day.

For months, even longer, I've been really wanting to simplify. Get down to the basics. Live minimally. Make room for things that matter instead of getting bogged down by clutter. I have physically started to do so. We have sold our dining room table, the little brown couch, gave away the brown chair a long time ago, got rid of the old red couch and bought one good quality comfortable couch. we're selling anything that we don't really like or use anymore. and anytime i feel myself get attached to something I try to remind myself it's just an object. it served me well but now it's time to move on.

i also splurged in some essential oils. as in $186 worth. mind you, this was before we found out that dave's job was ending. ruth - did you know that? dave will no longer be employed as of dec 20. 2nd lay off in 9 months. so you see, all things are pointing toward simplifying. i've been wanting to anyway and here now is a SECOND pretty big life changing event occurring in our lives. as if the universe is saying to us...you are on the right track, now act on it. do it. what are you waiting for. so the oils...they represent taking another small step into turning to things a bit more pure and healing all the while. (of course i've yet to take advantage of these, but they're there, in my closet. patiently waiting for me.)

we meet with a lawyer tuesday and then with our financial analyst thursday. then i get my hair cut thur night (i just threw that fact in- no big importance, really). then once we figure out our options are and all the consequences, we will make a decision. i could be here for a another 6 mo or only through January. the best is yet to come, right.