colon

i've been thinking a lot about my colon lately, actually obsessing about it. thinking about this little pouch in my stomach that if i understand correctly holds 8 days worth of meals before it passes through my colon? this little pouch which hosts my intestines that if i understand correctly are 5 feet long or is it 5 yards long? this little pouch which reminds me of a story our friend keri-lynne told me about her friend who went to have a colonic and the technician discovered a WORM, a freakin parasite a FOOT long that had been very happily living inside of her, literally sucking the life out of her.
i've been thinking about this because the gas i've been experiencing in the last couple of months is rancid and clearly is indicative of the fact that something evil is living inside of me. also because i have been visiting this temple and in the bookstore area of the space there are books and books and books on eating and raw food and colonics, and how the water we drink has too much fluoride and how the soap we use has too many chemicals and how the food i eat is full of pesticides and cruelty to animals.

i am not overwhelmed by all the information, what does overwhelm me however is that even with all this knowledge, i sit down to eat and do so completely unconsciously. i hear ruth's voice in my head saying eat the greens first, and i do yet, the fries came and she offered me some and the bread pudding came and i tried just a bit. this isn't going to be a long rant about body image and the such, it's more of an observation of how little regard i have of what i know to be true and how i process or better yet, incorporate and integrate information into my life. i have been noticing lately too that i have physical angst around eating now. i start to feel the food breaking down inside of me and sticking to every part of my insides only to be turned into stanky farts. then there is this issue of sugar, suddenly my system is craving sweets, though, i'm not even sure if it's craving as much as habit. always have to do something bad to counter some of the good that i am doing.

the disconnect here is the way in which i'm processing information. i read or learn then when it goes into my brain somehow the default of where the information is stored is in a pain center, a big black bag so to speak and i don't like going into that bag or center so then it just sits and festers into stanky farts and like a cloud of toxic vapor expels from my ass into the air serving as a reminder that no i haven't in fact made any real change.

i'm tired, tired, tired of this conversation friends. i pray for courage, a pray for the spirit to start again, i pray for the belief that every new effort brings me closer to change...

myriam