well, the proverbial shit hit the fan last night as i answered the phone to my mother's voice, upset with the news of melissa's impending pregnancy. i only raised my voice once as i shouted that i WOULD NOT allow myself to take on the stress of any family drama. i explained how this time is my time and yes, i have my concerns and that i have made a choice to committ to being the best tante (children need love and fun to grow)and sister i could be while still engaging in the pleasure and excitement in front of me. after a bit more discussion, we ended our call. i shed a few tears and then proceeded with my evening.
later as i started slowly unravelling, my heart got stuck on this idea..."why do i get to have love, why do i get to have kerry, why do i get to have gyrotonics and trips to france and friends, and joy???". this idea stayed with me through the night and into today. this morning i listenened to myself as i came to this realization. "it's not that i GET to have anything, i CHOOSE to have this life and these opportunities. it's clear to me though that this idea of deserving and claiming is where i am having a disconnect.
i believe i am on to something here, i would sure appreciate your thoughts as i make my way down here in the well.
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