AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!

hello friends,

i just got off the phone with a very nice lady at the post office before i lost my shit about rufus still not yet receiving the box of goods i sent to france on may fuckin 26th. it's all okay...i know, i know.

i'm having one of those lives right now in which i find myself so overwhelmed by everything that's happening, i just don't want to get out of bed. i want to sleep all day so i don't have to move forward. yet, when i'm lying in bed trying to sleep all i can think about is all the shit i should be doing and what a shit i am for not doing them. i've been experiencing some rising anxiety which raises concern for me because it means the gremlins and squatters are winning. i can't see my way out of a paper bag right now.

i've recently started coaching again with elizabeth whom i used to coach with some years ago, you may remember. we've been talking about relationships. my relationship with my body, hair, anxiety, etc. as it turns out i'm pretty good at relationships just not the ones i'm trying to secure with the aforementioned parts of myself and to make matters more freakin confusing is that i'm also nurturing a strong relationship with cici (see see)in my head and it makes it very difficult to have clarity. i'm in a bit of a state of shock/ panic. i think i need to break up with her.

actually i think a better way to describe things right now for me are to write that i'm in the in-between stages of things. in-between two households, in-between getting my gyrotonic certification, in-between, in-between. it's most frustrating that i'm not seeming to get anything done. it's like the freakin box mailed to france, it's just out there, in the world somewhere and it feels as though that is setting the tone for so many areas for me right now. i just want the box to arrive, i want to stand on solid ground, i want to know there is order and that things are moving forward and that my faith and hope serve as guides leading me somewhere, things are not only in vain.

i'm also worried about mortality lately, mine and the people around me that i love. any chance i could go off and live in a hole somewhere and let all this pass me by? any chance you'd wanna come with me? i'm just so over thinking about the why's the why's and the how's are feeding the frenzy of squatters, like poriah on my brain and heart.

kerry heads to europe this thursday and his parents will be away as well. with any luck, i can turn this train around and have some compassion for myself and start to embrace this process and contribute in a meaningful way.

as mirabella says-

peace out

xo
myriam