It's true, Lenda has been a wonderful companion but her health has taken a turn and we don't know how much longer she will be with us. She's been to different specialist but no one seems able to heal her. Perhaps that's just the way it's supposed to be. We have slowly been getting our wits about us and looking for another car. I think we've found her...see photo. Wow when I started this post yesterday we had the possibility of a new car. This morning I wake up and she's in our driveway. Though, I'm thinking it may be a he. I'm mulling over options for Lenda. She's been so good to me, I want to honor her and find her a good home.
This week I've been asked to ponder anger, my anger that is. It seems that lurking below the surface of the lake may be some real murky shit. Hhhmmm, I can't seem to get in there though. I think about what I could be angry about, my siblings illness? But the inference is that the anger goes much deeper, suppressed in a way for years, layer on top of layer. I'm amazed at how much hatred I have for myself. I mean that as an honest observation. You can't believe the things I say about myself in therapy. It's such a strange sensation because while I'm saying things about myself, the tears stream down my face as I hear the words come out. I'm causing and reacting to the pain at the same time. One thing that's really eluded me is the notion of change. I feel so frightened about what I Will become if I no longer let this self-hatred run the show. Who will I be? I can't see her, I also can't feel her which is the strangest thing of all. One of the exercises I've been asked to practice is trying to reconnect with my body. So I sit or stand with myself and touch every part of my body and say out loud " this is my hand, it is a part of me, it belongs to me". I've done it a few times, but nothing yet. I'm hopeful with time it will create a different sensation. I must say that I do feel better. I still have the nervous energy and the dark moments still come but so do the light ones. Oh, and I'm also working on trying to remember that my cells have memory and the affects of the negative thinking creates an environment that supports that and if I can bring more positive thoughts into my head the cells will supported by a different environment and the energy will be better. What happens though is if I'm having a good feeling, the negative haunts. It sort of looms over and then I become fearful and everything goes to shit. It's a practice though and more days than not I'm up for the challenge.
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