Oh Thank God

Oh thank god.
thank god for the two of you.
thank god for checking in this morning and feeling you two here.
i thank god for this feeling and thank you for writing and feeding me.
you are as important a high nutrient as any dark leafy green...
the blog has saved me from the depths of some strange sadness today
your writing, your accomplishments....your peaceful sleep after revelations
your breaking through to anger and learning to understand your deep feelings
you both are light and in action, letting your light shine through this blog has lifted my spirit today.
so thank you.

i just re-read that first paragraph and would like to be clear that i have not converted to christianity or any other pious-type religion....and though it reads very religious, what i am saying is that i have never been happier to see this blog updated. so don't worry...i have not converted to a high nutrient vegan christian fuck. could you imagine? not that i have anything against christians and their faith - well...you know what i mean....

so like i was saying.....i think its soooo funny that max likes the word "poop" because lately, I have been serious loving everything about poop! haa haa.
i love to poop, i love to talk about poop, i love to analyze the poop and give it numbers....'cause sometimes the poop isn't just a #2.....sometimes it rates so much higher than that....like a 3.5....and this is all so new to me...'cause most of my life...i've avoided the poop as much as possible....to the extent of holding it in whenever possible so i wouldn't have to poop...not only as a child ...but as an adult too....which sort of means i've been backed up, constipated...for most of my life.....
but not anymore....the poop's a flowin' .....two - sometimes three times a day ....i like the poop ritual....i'm so sorry you have to read this myriam.....well i'm sorry too, for you, linda....but it makes myriam more squirmy - so i'm sorry but to not be backed up is my own type of revelation....i think it symbolizes ....................Flow. : )

also, it does seem that we are indeed, headed to france.
we are going to france for a year.
yes, i'm excited.
and i'm scared, apprehensive, fearful, mad, worried, nervous, anxious, uptight, skeptical and i don't know...pouty.
scared because i'm worried the french consolate in L.A. will discover that i'm not worthy to go to france for a year and say "no"
apprehensive because i've lived in long beach for 18 years and everyone will know i don't belong because i'm long beach white trashy type with no style and lots of wrinkles.
fearful because its a long flight and i've never been to europe before....i've not been to europe before because i've never been a very good financial planner and save enough money to go so and now is no different so i'm sure its going to fall through.
mad because i want desperately to feel at ease about going away and experiencing a new culture in the way i've always wanted to and i feel stuck so i'm mad
worried because smokey and i have just started to get along and love each other and i'm going to abandon her yet again and i can't bring myself to call Rosemary and ask if she would still like to keep her for the year....and not to mention i'm sure she won't want to keep her anymore because she already got a new kitten and forgot she ever was excited to house her....so i haven't called her
nervous because . just because.
anxious because of all of the above and i won't be in the same city as my friends.
uptight. because who has this opportunity and isn't flitting around and enjoying the excitement of it??
skeptical because it seems too good to be true....
and pouty....because i am...so there. fuck.
and i didn't want to say all this shit because i don't want to invite that shit into my world. hence, "backed up" again.
but i suppose its better to get it out there so it can be transmuted into FLOW and then the light can shine through it and make it dissolve into nuthingness....and then we can move on to manifesting the goodness of it....getting back to the good flow of things...sorry for the bowel analogies...they've come so naturally.

the alchemy of it. the transmutation of spring cleaning into peaceful sleep
the transmutation of deep anger and self loathing into understanding and self compassion
and when i feel the movement from stuck to fluid ......i'll let you know.
i did receive my passport in the mail.
i am smiling in the photo. : )
i am thankful for this spot in cyberville.

PS. You have a beautiful new ride..i dont' know, Myriam...the photo shows the feminine qualities of her...i think she looks like a she....beautiful. congratulations!! May lenda enjoy her well deserved retirement. I hope the new generation will have Lenda plates??? I don't know If I can bear not seeing that car parked around town....ohhh the changes...the wonderful changes.