The answer is not in the why...

hhhmmm this morning after reading your post lindalou, i thought to write you immediately of course the answer to all of the questions you posted. my revelation was, perhaps we think to much about the why-meaning because we spend our energy wondering why we aren't doing this or that, it takes the energy away from just doing "it". i think this idea is a very clever game our squatters play on us. for me, i find myself literally thinking for HOURS about the way i eat, what i eat, how i eat, why i eat, what's wrong with me and my eating, will i ever eat better, the list is endless, same tape over and over and over again. then i spend endless hours trying to understand why? why do i do this, why do i think this way, why can't i, why can they? it really sucks. for me i am learning that i have given so much of my life over to the squatters. i recognize it because as i gain more clarity, the older stories and messages come to my mind more often, i mean i'm going back to college and high school thinking. finally i'm thinking what the fuck? am i seriously here again? the only thing i am recognizing that can stop that voice is action and it really doesn't have to be big action. so for just now i ate a peanut butter cookie, as soon as i started to eat it i started getting a headache in my brain from the jumping up and down that the squatters were doing in my head celebrating the victory of me eating the "wrong" thing. then it came to me like a tidal wave, the goddamn whys-they start, one after the other to the tune of "oh when the saints come marching in", but they aren't saints, they are assholes, screaming, rejoicing so happy gathering at their favorite watering hole in my head, to watch as the rally continues, for of course the next action they demand is to see my beautiful head face down in the public restroom at work (which is so humiliating since some people we know won't even defecate in public, meaning they won't put their ass on a seat that my head feels comfortable perched over-)yes they chant and scream (PURGE, PURGE, PURGE the cookie, we want peanuts, big chunks of peanuts, PURGE, PURGE, PURGE!!! like a stadium full of red sox fans, they all section by section stand up and do the wave all celebrating the fact that i can't get my shit together around food. well, shit it's true, i have my challenges, but purging is disgusting, i mean just disgusting, nothing can compare to the feeling of your eyes rolling to the back of your head watching as your insides are cast forth with great violence. then you have the lovely pleasure of being sure to wipe any and all lingering strings of saliva from your mouth or clothing, like a dog, like a dog i tell you.

anyhow, the whole point of this very visual post is to serve as a distraction to keep me from having gone to the bathroom (which i did not and that was my small action)and the other to understand and share- that the answer is not in the "why" we don't take photos, or avoid certain foods. the answer is in the doing. so when you got home after not taking photos, remember you are allowed to pick up your camera whenever YOU want, and if i had been there i would say, "well pick it up now and take photos from here" and every time you do THAT ACTION is the answer. THAT IS the why- you take pictures because it feels good and asking why you didn't or why you did just does not. you are a precious girl and just as much as you and ruthie hold me close and tell me that i am good and that treating myself badly is not, applies the same to you. pick the camera up, just go ahead, take the picture, inside or out, take them from your window, take them in the bathroom, just take them-it's yours, it's what belongs to you and it really doesn't matter why.

love
myriam

hallo -ween

it's october and as you might remember, i live in the halloween capitol of the planet. it was a surprisingly gorgeous fall day today and i spent the majority of it inside. cleaning. yuk. it needed to be done. and i feel much better now that my external life is a little less cluttered. so i take max out for his 2nd walk and the streets are just packed. jammed with adults, children, punk teenagers (and i don't mean that in a bad way), babies, dogs, tons of stands filled with delicious smelling fair type food that gave me a belly ache just thinking about eating it, kiddie rides...you name it. some people, plenty of people were even dressed up in their costumes.

i was enjoying people watching with max, my little observant and contemplative buddy. but i couldn't help but start to think about having my camera with me. why didn't i. why wouldn't i. so so many awesome shots i could've taken to keep as a cool pictorial of my time in salem.

i'm not sure what i'm trying to say. except that this weekend in particular so many times i've wished you two could actually hear my solitary conversation that went on in my head. it's not that i wouldn't share the info with you it's just that i can't get it out fast enough. my mind has been racing a mile a minute lately. i just would love it if you you guys could hear it as it's going so that we can get into a conversation about it. it's not all bad, either. my point is this weekend in particular, was another one of those times when i feeeeel the absence of my good friends.

i convince myself that i'm really just a homebody type of person at heart and i don't mind at all that i don't do much outside of my dave, max and work. and i think that is a true statement. but then i step outside like i did today, at 4:30 in the afternoon and i feel that little bit of me that does enjoy being more social. and i think of what must be an invisible wall of resistance. how that must be there because why else would i keep myself from doing the very things i swear i enjoy and need and want. like photog, running in this beautiful weather, doing yoga, connecting with and spending time near creative people. i don't know why. it's the million dollar question.

mine

WHAT IS MINE TO GIVE THIS WORLD????

i'm just gonna sit here until it comes to me

Shut Up, That's a Good Damn Salad

Hello my loves,
This salad is dedicated to the both of you and I meant to send this out before the Sox were eliminated so please excuse.
The salad nonetheless, and in my opinion, goes down in history and has been named according to Mati as:

The Beantown Come Back Walk Off Elimination Salad
Ingredients:
Mache - don't chop this one..keep the leaves whole

Arugula - chop this a bit to distribute its bite throughout the salad...

Clementines (quartered) - as many as you like

Pomegranate seeds of one or two - this takes some time but well worth it and if you sit and listen to some kick ass music (if you'd like a recommendation - you could go with Pink Martini loungie type music --- that'll put you in the mood for this salad ....or maybe like some vintage Van Morrison...that's good too)...while seeding and drinking wine - it will taste even better.

Cucumber slices - as many as you like - the more the better for me

Avocados - again, no measurements, bitches, just cut em up and throw em in...until you decide you've had enough : )!!

Lightly toast some raw almonds - these are, as you know, a fantastic source of fat and make the salad very satisfying so don't scrimp...

Dressing:
Balsalmic vinegar
Chunky bitch ass stone ground dijon mustard - nice an' spicy like the two of you on couple of vodka tonics - downright edgey...
Garlic granules or fresh pressed if you choose to blow your loved ones out of the bed tonight....
tiny diced red onions..the smaller the better...
A bit of soy sauce or liquid bragg's
and stir it up...
Drizzle over the top of your salad...not too much though cuz the dressing is strong and the fruits are delicate
so go easy

Alright lovely lovely lovely wench like friends of mine.
I miss you and want to punch your kidneys right now.
That's cuz i'm sitting in this fanfuckingtastic cafe' drinking red wine and now I'm on to a beer and wishing you were here with me right now...and there's so much to tell but .....its ten minutes til closing and I just must finish my beer : )

love, Ruth

i love beets!

i love you two. i keep your words and voices with me all throughout the day. and for that i am grateful.

i viewed this on another blog and thought to share it

LoPiccolo Throw-Back

Dear Linda,

We must face our own ugliness. We often must become painfully aware of the unworkability of a pattern before we are willing to give it up. It often seems, in fact , that our lives get worse rather than better when we begin to work deeply on ourselves. Life doesn't actually get worse; it's just that we feel our own transgressions more because we are no longer anesthetized by unconsciouness.

(from A Course in Miracles)

I mean I'm just sayin...

I love technology because I can do this...

An Ode to Coffee for Ruby Anne Conchita Maria Consuela Babbette Amelie

In Praise of Joe
by Marge Piercy, The Crooked Inheritance

I love you hot
I love you iced and in a pinch
I will even consume you tepid.

Dark brown as wet bark of an apple tree,
dark as the waters flowing out of a spooky swamp
rich with tannin and smelling of thick life—

but you have your own scent that even
rising as steam kicks my brain into gear.
drink you rancid out of vending machines,

I drink you at coffee bars for $6 a hit,
I drink you dribbling down my chin from a thermos
in cars, in stadiums, on the moonwashed beach.

Mornings you go off in my mouth like an electric
siren, radiating to my fingertips and toes.
You rattle my spine and buzz in my brain.

Whether latte, cappuccino, black or Greek
you keep me cooking, you keep me on line.
Without you, I would never get out of bed

but spend my life pressing the snooze
button. I would creep through wan days
in the form of a large shiny slug.

You waken in me the gift of speech when I
am dumb as a rock buried in damp earth.
It is you who make me human every dawn.
All my books are written with your ink.

For you...

Eat To Live...

hello, my name is myriam and i'm addicted to sugar
there i said it
okay seriously though,
i've been reading about toxic hunger and
shit
suddenly i'm like the addict coming out of a serious
methanphetamine high, begging my family and friends
to please just give me one more chance,
please, i know i can stop
it's not the suger=sweets per se
it's more like the chips,
cracker-ass crackers, frozen yogurt,
alcohol, the carbs
and, and it's not only sugar
it's eating
i'm addicted to eating,
when you read about listening to when your body is hungry
i have no idea in hell when i'm hungry because at any given moment
i've got a pig's assfoot in my mouth
sucking on every morsel of
fat and grizzle
wow, making the changes is
a commitment
one well worth the effort i know
it's amazing how mixed up
people are about food
since i have decided to
pursue a career in helping
people make educated choices about
food, i figure, it's time i dive in
it's a good excercise
because i realize that the fear and discomfort
i feel
will be the same my clients will have
can i be more compassionate toward myself?
the same way i would be
with a client
i am trying to write more about
my resentment and anger and envy
and all the juicy stuff surrounding food
interestingly enough, i am a bit
pissy that i am dictating what's best
for me
since i usually look outside of myself
for those assurances
especially today when SEESEE
through a fit because we/i chose not to have any
ice cream cake that was actually,
ice cream cake covered in brownies,
chocolate syrup, whipped cream and chocolate chip cookies

lord help us...

choice

I am more accustomed to living unconsciously and living in the present is very difficult for me.

I spend the minutes of my day in one space or the other but mostly I am spending many of these minutes unconscious.

I must make a conscious present choice to be presently conscious.

What is wrong that will not allow me to make this choice?

This is the time to bring it inside, it's the part of me that I have yet to develop.

Can I move back to making some choices that are simply a little bit better? What can I do to be a little bit better today?

I only have to put out a little effort to move JOY forward.

It's not about why I cannot, the choice is about HOW I can do a tiny bit better.

Every moment is an opportunity to choose to be conscious or unconscious.

I am lazy- at building new muscles
I am undisciplined-at building new choices

How much more terrified or anxious can I be? I live with it every day anyway...

therapy-10/6/08

I have a dream

I try not to go backwards too much.
I try to stay very close to this moment like I've been learning to do.
I stay close to this moment for protection and comfort.
This moment is the only place I can find shelter and answers.
I know this because sometimes in the mornings after waking, and I'm not so much in the present but really longing for the past.
I recognize how small I am on this planet without the nearness of those I love most.
How the strongest and most confident I have ever felt in my world is when I have shared my life
in close proximity with my friends: Mryiam, See See, Linda and Emily.
I have this dream.
That We would continue on this satisfying discovery of each of our lives.
So new and fresh and interesting with Max and Dave and with Kerry's new path - the hair is fantastic..
I dream that we are close enough to each other to share in a more intimate way - our lives.
I dream that Myriam or I can pick up Max from school if Linda is not available.
I dream that we won't have to buy a plane ticket to be in the room to hold Myriam ---- on the table - when she's bears a child : )
I dream that we can get away on a Friday night for dinner - just the girls...
and
yeah.
I wonder how it would feel to have the present moment to live in with my most favorite people on the planet in walking proximity for coffee and conversation and walks and to hug me and tell me the world is going to heal and even if it doesn't, we'll still be together.
Max is wonderful and cute.
Kerry's hair is short and wow - how is he taking it?
I miss you both so much and wish you were here with me.
In real life. real time.
yeah, so other than that things are cool here.
: )


Straw Bale Green Housing Example
SIZE: 480 square feet, external - 312 square feet, internal
ESTIMATED COST: under $10,000 including utilities, if you...

1 - are willing if not eager to live simply
2 - do most of the work yourself
3 - use recycled materials whenever possible (and do lots of scrounging)
4 - twist a few friend's arms to help you once in awhile (free pizza works everytime)
5 - price shop around for the best deals on all materials, especially the expensive items like solar panels, composting toilet, and metal roofing - prices vary a great deal
6 - stick to the simple design features below - fancier roofs or a concrete foundation, for example, really add to the cost...
7 - can build your starter straw bale without having to permit it (more on this later)

Little Swimmer

he loves the bath and the big pool was no different. big 'ol belly hanging out of his cute swim trunks and of course he found time to stare at the cute lifeguard. as for me, i'm not sure why my stance is as if i'm bracing us from a big tidal wave.



here he is out for a walk with dave all bundled up. it's been pleasantly cool lately. lovely new england fall weather. i love it. and it looks as if max does too!

The End of an Era

Wisdom- pablo coehlo

A scene that I witnessed in 1997: Hoping to impress his master, a student of the occult whom I know read some manuals on magic and decided to buy the materials mentioned in the texts. With considerable difficulty he managed to find a certain type of incense, some talismans, a wooden structure with sacred characters written in an established order. When we were having breakfast together with his master, the latter commented:

“Do you believe that by rolling computer wires around your neck you will acquire the efficiency of the machine? Do you believe that by buying hats and sophisticate clothes you will also acquire the good taste and sophistication of those who made them? Objects can be your allies, but they do not contain any type of wisdom. First practice devotion and discipline, and everything else will come to you later.”

This quote really hit home for em right now. I am practicing awareness of choice. CHoosing the good day, choosing the negative, choosing the good words, choosing mindfulness...

more to come

Feast Day

This day, this wonderful day was a gift to myself. On Sunday, we hosted a small gathering of some of Kerry P.s friends and family. When I woke up in the morning I was delighted as I remembered that I DID NOT HAVE TO COOK A GADDAMN THING. That's right, mother sister hired a caterer, the sweet Marilu who speaks not a word of English except the word "beans". At three o'clock she walked over to my house and indicated that everything was ready for pick-up. GOD LORD, I danced the dance of joy!!!

SO on Feast Day I ate-

a HOT, HOT cob of corn covered in lime and chilies and cheese and some kind of cream ass lube sauce
CARNITAS- 4 LARGE pans of carnitas (PORK, PORK and PORK)
Mexican Rice
Salsa Verde
Beans with hot dogs AND bacon -hello arteries!
pico de gallo
guacamole and yes HOME MADE GODDAMN CORN TORTILLAS FROM SCRATCH

What???
Have I died ? no wait because then my lovely sister and her family came over with an OREO COOKIE ICE CREAM CAKE that LOOKED LIKE A GODDAMN OREO COOKIE again ALL of it homemade from scratch.

needless to say, I have yet to recover, phyiscally or emotionally.