The answer is not in the why...

hhhmmm this morning after reading your post lindalou, i thought to write you immediately of course the answer to all of the questions you posted. my revelation was, perhaps we think to much about the why-meaning because we spend our energy wondering why we aren't doing this or that, it takes the energy away from just doing "it". i think this idea is a very clever game our squatters play on us. for me, i find myself literally thinking for HOURS about the way i eat, what i eat, how i eat, why i eat, what's wrong with me and my eating, will i ever eat better, the list is endless, same tape over and over and over again. then i spend endless hours trying to understand why? why do i do this, why do i think this way, why can't i, why can they? it really sucks. for me i am learning that i have given so much of my life over to the squatters. i recognize it because as i gain more clarity, the older stories and messages come to my mind more often, i mean i'm going back to college and high school thinking. finally i'm thinking what the fuck? am i seriously here again? the only thing i am recognizing that can stop that voice is action and it really doesn't have to be big action. so for just now i ate a peanut butter cookie, as soon as i started to eat it i started getting a headache in my brain from the jumping up and down that the squatters were doing in my head celebrating the victory of me eating the "wrong" thing. then it came to me like a tidal wave, the goddamn whys-they start, one after the other to the tune of "oh when the saints come marching in", but they aren't saints, they are assholes, screaming, rejoicing so happy gathering at their favorite watering hole in my head, to watch as the rally continues, for of course the next action they demand is to see my beautiful head face down in the public restroom at work (which is so humiliating since some people we know won't even defecate in public, meaning they won't put their ass on a seat that my head feels comfortable perched over-)yes they chant and scream (PURGE, PURGE, PURGE the cookie, we want peanuts, big chunks of peanuts, PURGE, PURGE, PURGE!!! like a stadium full of red sox fans, they all section by section stand up and do the wave all celebrating the fact that i can't get my shit together around food. well, shit it's true, i have my challenges, but purging is disgusting, i mean just disgusting, nothing can compare to the feeling of your eyes rolling to the back of your head watching as your insides are cast forth with great violence. then you have the lovely pleasure of being sure to wipe any and all lingering strings of saliva from your mouth or clothing, like a dog, like a dog i tell you.

anyhow, the whole point of this very visual post is to serve as a distraction to keep me from having gone to the bathroom (which i did not and that was my small action)and the other to understand and share- that the answer is not in the "why" we don't take photos, or avoid certain foods. the answer is in the doing. so when you got home after not taking photos, remember you are allowed to pick up your camera whenever YOU want, and if i had been there i would say, "well pick it up now and take photos from here" and every time you do THAT ACTION is the answer. THAT IS the why- you take pictures because it feels good and asking why you didn't or why you did just does not. you are a precious girl and just as much as you and ruthie hold me close and tell me that i am good and that treating myself badly is not, applies the same to you. pick the camera up, just go ahead, take the picture, inside or out, take them from your window, take them in the bathroom, just take them-it's yours, it's what belongs to you and it really doesn't matter why.

love
myriam