Kindness

xo-myriam

Kindness

Before you know what kindness really is
you must lose things,
feel the future dissolve in a moment
like salt in a weakened broth.
What you held in your hand,
what you counted and carefully saved,
all this must go so you know
how desolate the landscape can be
between the regions of kindness.
How you ride and ride
thinking the bus will never stop,
the passengers eating maize and chicken
will stare out the window forever.

Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness,
you must travel where the Indian in a white poncho
lies dead by the side of the road.
You must see how this could be you,
how he too was someone
who journeyed through the night with plans
and the simple breath that kept him alive.

Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside,
you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing.
You must wake up with sorrow.
You must speak to it till your voice
catches the thread of all sorrows
and you see the size of the cloth.

Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore,
only kindness that ties your shoes
and sends you out into the day to mail letters and
purchase bread,
only kindness that raises its head
from the crowd of the world to say
it is I you have been looking for,
and then goes with you every where
like a shadow or a friend.

Naomi Shihab Nye

Orange Sky-Alexi Murdoch

Well I had a dream
I stood beneath an orange sky
Yes I had a dream
I stood beneath an orange sky
With my brother standing by
With my brother standing by
I said brother, you know you know
It's a long road we've been walking on
Brother you know it is, you know it is
Such a long road we've been walking on

And I had a dream
I stood beneath an orange sky
With my sister standing by
With my sister standing by
I said sister, here is what I know now
Here is what I know now
Goes like this
In your love, my salvation lies
In your love, my salvation lies
In your love, my salvation lies
In your love, in your love, in your love

But sister you know I'm so weary
And you know sister
My hearts been broken
Sometimes, sometimes
My mind is too strong to carry on
Too strong to carry on

When I am alone
When I've thrown off the weight of this crazy stone
When I've lost all care for the things I own
That's when I miss you, that's when I miss you, that's when I miss you
You who are my home
You who are my home
And here is what I know now
Here is what I know now
Goes like this
In your love, my salvation lies
In your love, my salvation lies
In your love, my salvation lies
In your love, my salvation lies
In your love, my salvation lies
In your love, my salvation lies
In your love, my salvation lies
In your love, in your love, in your love

Well I had a dream
I stood beneath an orange sky
Yes I had a dream
I stood beneath an orange sky
With my brother and my sister standing by
With my brother and my sister standing by
With my brother and my sister standing by

a beautiful weekend

Leo's tree.

We buried part of Leo's ashes yesterday. It was so pure and natural and perfect. We sunk our hands into the bag, collected some ashes with our fingers and gently sprinkled them into the soil that would nourish the tree.

We created him. We held him. And now we've returned his ashes to the earth.



It was so perfect.

waiting for that day...

i is married now, i is married now...

i keep thinking about that scene from the color purple

today for the first time i used the word "husband" in a sentence

today is also our week anniversary

we are happy and loving and kind and joyous and enjoying one another

our home is candlelit and smells welcoming

we awoke on the 12th in big sur having slept in separate cabins

i was giddy with excitement,

i kept clapping my hands and rubbing my palms together as though i had a special secret

i do have a secret

the secret i will share with you...

it is the revelation that of all the moments, and the travels and the people and the places

and the pot smoking, drinking, partying, worrying, crying, anger, frustration, throwing up

working too much, weight gain, weight loss, bad singing voice, bad black hair care, insults, masturbaters, racist fuckers, no show dates, missing in action men, abortions, junkie, co-dependent, experimentators, white, black, purple, orange, red, brown, fat, tall, intelligent, coniving, disappointming, indecisive, coco butter loving, pornography, abusive, two timing, herpe carrying, insecure, overcompensating, unreliable, low expectation having, of all the moments and travels, and people and the places, kerry and i found one another, we found each other.

we found one another and in that we found ourselves.

the morning of our wedding, i went for a walk in the woods with sheri-lu and my mom. i walked behind them and alerted them to oncoming cars. there i was protecting them and there they were giving to me, coming to share in my life on this day and i had this sweet opportunity to shield them and keep them close to me.

after the walk, we all headed to breakfast together in carmel. i had the courage to speak up and say that although the little swiis cafe might have the best waffles in town, i would prefer to go somewhere else where i migh n=honor my body and my intentions to be loving to myself that day- another secret.

as we entered the outdoor cafe, my phone rang, my sister called to express her excitment and in her voice i hear the joy of all of my friends and family wishing us such a grand day. she wanted to know every detail of what was happening. i took it in and promised to call back later.

i ordered a salad, a glass of champagne and grilled polenta. just then i received a text message from another friend who wrote me to remind me that this day was happening becuase i daired to say yes. because i dared to say yes, the universe conspired with my heart and over time, i believed that i am worthy.

so here i stand in this amazing place big sur and i feel the whole world under my feet. my silver shoes carry me towards my beloved as my mother holds my hand. she clenches it tight as i reach for kerry and in her eyes i see that she had in fact opened the door for me to step through a long time ago, it was only i that waited to step through. with her gentle touch she pressed me forward and there i stood in front of kerry.

loreen spoke of love and chopsticks and friendship and fears and go to girls and core group and such. she cried and blessed us as she read the words we had together decided to say to one another. then she turned the floor over to me, to me whom had requested a moment to share some words from my heart with kerry. my heart skipped a beat and suddenly i forgot, forgot the words i had planned to sing to him. i had planned for months to sing a song, i had labored for weeks and hours, trying to learn and remember and find the right notes to sing and there i stood with all that jelly and no bread. i took a deep breathe and kerry said, take your time baby, having no idea of what i intended.

"you're the apple of my eye, you're cherry pie,

you're cake and ice cream,

you're sugar and spice and everything nice,

you're the man of my, my my dreams

if you wanted to leave me and roam

when you got back,

i'd just say welcome home

cause nothing will ever change

this love i have for you"

i kept wanting to kiss him and he kept saying

we have to wait, wait, wait

funny i thought, i've been waiting for him

for so long...

then i planted one on him.

to be continued...

aaaaaaaaaaaah!

thank you, thank you, thank you.

We take weddings too seriously

and we don't take the marriage serious enough.


I'm hoping you're finding solid ground after venting.
I'm hoping you're heart feels us near despite the miles.
I'm hoping you recognize your ego is not you.
I'm also sending you a brand new pair of eyes to look out of your gorgeous head with.

You know, it's natural and it’s okay to worry for a little while.
And then it’s time to stop worrying about the future and practice being present from one moment to the next.

It will all work out, I promise you, if you can do that.
Don’t let your ego rule.

If this note comes to you in the time after you've stepped back into your body, then save it for the next time things go whacked, okay?

You could throw a tantrum about your hair thingie.
Or you could go with a simple large flower if you find the pressure to be too much and your ego takes over and tells you that the hair piece actually means something. It doesn’t.

If you didn’t wear anything in your hair at all and remembered that you’re sharing the celebration of your commitment to Kerry with the people you both love, you'd be a huge success. And really, your love and commitment to one another are nothing new. You’ve been succeeding at your marriage/commitment for over 7 years now. There’s a profound beauty in that simple fact that would outshine any hairpiece you make. So get over it.

Because we take the wedding too seriously and we don't take the marriage seriously enough.

And you will look pretty if you're honest, present and inhabiting your body - regardless of what you say, wear or worry about.

You nor Kerry could ever say the "right thing" compared to all the intimate times he’s held you while you wept, and you he, the countless shared delicious and happy meals, families and friends, Laker games and road trips, honored each other’s requests, helped each other realize dreams, all the while accepting each other’s limitations and still saying “yes” to each day together. I vote for saying nothing, muthafuckas. Your commitment speaks for itself.
Because we take the wedding too seriously and the marriage not seriously enough.

You married each other a long time ago, Myriam. If you need to step outside the moment, go to the successful past instead of some weird idea of wedding success future and perfection. You have been together all this time and want to have a wedding ceremony to celebrate your 7 plus years of love and success. That's the way I see it. Anything beyond now is gravy, lady.

You can worry, but it won’t matter if you do. You’ve already succeeded at your marriage.

Because we take the wedding too seriously and we don’t take the marriage seriously enough.

Love,
Ruth in your heart.
which is pretty fuckin’ close, isn’t it?

i'll give you high quality....

fuck the high quality no, how about the high quality, unconciousness
or how about the high quality, "where the fuck are my friends"
or better yet how about the high quality...
"i am so ................ (insert any negative, mean, callous word you can think of here" or how about the high quality crying i did laying on the florr saturday night because i couldn't figure out how to make the flower thingy for my hair???"

wow, that actually felt better. i think what's happening is i'm having some serious moments of loneliness as we get closer. i think i haven't had the conversations and the blah, blah that i think one should before one marries.
is it possible that i've set too many expectations for myself? okay wait, don't answer that question. i know i set too many expectations for myself. so i'm going to take your advice and use my tools, look within to my resources and see what is going on in here, causing me this suffering.

"i'm worried that i won't look pretty"
i'm worried that my hair will be a messy terrible clusterfuck
i'm worried that kerry won't say the right "thing" to me
i'm worried that kerry isn't taking marriage seriously and that he is jsut marrying me jsut because
i'm worried that people will be disappointed when they come to the pre-dinner
i'm worried that we won't have good pictures
i'm worried that i didn't send invitations to the dinner
i'm worried that i might not say the right thing to kerry
i'm worried about the ceremony
i'm worried about what to say about our parents
i'm worried it won't happen
i'm worried it will
i'm worried that i won't get better at sex or that we'll lose our desire for one another
i'm worried about beng worried, oh yes this is my favorite worry-

"why am i worried, is my worry trying to tell me something, is there something i'm not paying attention to in the worry???"

it's enough to make a girl crazy let alone a girl feeling alone...

i just miss you ladies, although who knows maybe if you were here i would worry that you didn't want to be here.

xo
mjo

smile

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zWlQeuMrIEw

Leo, the lion - July 20, 2009

Heartstorm

Sunday, July 19th, 2009

I write to you from the center point of three eclipses…from the center of a heartstorm.

We are souls of great courage. We have been through all the fires heaven has ever known, and now we face the new ones that are being born at the time of greatest change on this planet. And they are not all around us as they once were…they are, in their strongest form, within us. For we have known many storms in our times, but it is in the heartstorms that we find our death and rebirth completed. And every time, after we are broken, we wonder if we can ever be whole again…and then suddenly, when we have nearly lost hope….we are. We are more whole than we ever thought we could be.

And then, often before we’ve even had time to enjoy our new beingness, the storm clouds gather again. We try to pretend that they aren’t there at first…that it is just something we ate or the night of bad sleep we had. But eventually the foreboding arrives…what if our newly-built castle falls like all the ones before it? And before we know it the downpour has arrived and the rivers of mud are moving through everything before we can try to re-direct them away from what we want to protect.

And then the sweetest moment sometimes comes…long before the wholeness was scheduled to arrive again. It is the moment we realize that all we clung to inside is gone…and that something deeper remains. It is the moment we climb to the top of the castle walls and decide to watch the lightning strike over the grey terrain, water running down your face and body…and you know the lightning may strike the very building you are resting on…and you don’t care. You are free.

This is one of those times. One of those times that you start to become convinced that no one knows you after all, and you really are the alien on this planet that you once thought you were…that you were a fool to try to connect again with others…that you are more alone than ever before. One of those times that the net that had caught you after your last hard fall, drunken on the loss of your sense of self, is suddenly unravelling and you can only watch it let you go.

I know your bones may be aching. Your delicate skull wants to be cradled and your heart wants a place in the sun. Remember the warmth and the comfort in whatever corner of your being you can, and then climb the castle wall and let it all go…something better is coming if you can trust through the wreckage of the last peices of your makeshift and transient security. Something greater will take your hand…and you will be led somewhere you could never have gone if you had not left everything behind. Everything but love. Because even if love has been hiding its face, believe me…it is only allowing you to find yourself in the dark night…and to discover that even that dark night is a greater sea of love.

Don’t let the flame go out. It is still needed, even if it has been turned from over and over again. Do not be misled. It is gold beyond value…immeasurable forever. Keep it, even in silence when you must, and know you have the treasure of a thousand lifetimes…waiting…for the moment when the world is ready. There will be love, and magic, and all that your soul awaits and yearns for.

And in the meantime, you can never lose love…so there is nothing to lose…take a front row seat, and let the lightning run right through you…

love (linda)

by jennifer posado

some humor for the day...

this was in my inbox today from my friend Val...

Has this ever happened to any of you?
I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart.
The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better.
I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

my way....

that's what's playing on pandora right now as i sit here at my desk typing. i don't know if you are both aware but i've had some body image issues in the past. well, i know you know that, i guess i'm the one that's figuring it out more so. i soent the weekend alone with myself and if you can believe it, i didn't torture myself. i really listened to your voices and kerry's voice from afar telling me that rest is important and that it's okay to lay around and to sleep and to watch movies and to turn off the tv and to not get online and to listen to good healing sounds and to go to bed early and to not drink.
i've been coming into my own so to speak. trying to really understand what is important to me and how i can better value myself. it's a strange process because it requires me to really be the watcher, the watcher of my own life. it feels as thought I'm trying to befriend someone that has been living next door to me for years and yet we remained strangers. i do have the comfort of consistency's, the safety of knowing they have always been there yet, we have rarely communicated and it seems i'm doing most of the work and she is just sitting back and letting me do it. the reality is perhaps she (me) has been working all along to keep up with me.
i welcome in myself a softer, more relaxed, more loving, more comfortable me. one who takes things slowly, one who realizes that she is her own greatest priority. i see in my efforts how i really sabotage myself. arriving places late, hurrying to the final minute to get something done, adding extra stress to myself. also denying my own power pretending i don't or that i can't. it's all part of a process of stepping into my own. i'm holding on to the idea that it doesn't really matter why i've continued those things as much as. what matters is if i have the courage to change. do i have the courage to be fully present and own the responsibility of what i need to feel strong and important. owning what makes me feel comfortable and what is healing and loving to myself.
love you both so much
myriam

It's not a contest between you and the squatters and the gremlins...
They need someplace to live...
If you can accept they live inside you...
You can more easily make peace with them by not trying to force them out.
Its natural for you to have rising anxieties around life changing experiences
Life transitions are anxiety causing...there's eustress - good stress, excitement
and there's bad stress - fear
and a very fine line between them...
let the stress be the good kind...
and let the gremlins and squatters have their say and then get on with doing whatever it is that makes you feel okay...
What's on the agenda that you MUST "do"
You don't have to move FORWARD...you can move SIDEWAYS
If you decide to move BACKWARD ..you haven't lost anything....
slow slow quick quick
It's just a dance baby girl...
It's just a dance
and the good dances need different rhythms and movements up, down, forwar, backward - side to side
to be anything interesting at all...
You're okay...You're more than okay...It's a good life you live.
Let it be okay...
Get some excercise...
Eat some sweet fruit...
Drink some cool water with lemon, orange and cucumber slices
You're okay....
Resist nothing.

PS. I researched the Colipost and they say the coli is not available - that's all they say...
and all I can do is accept that answer...
and say:
Thank you from my toes to my nose for sending Love in a Box...
Thank you for every morsel of love you sent...
I feel it all the time...
I know how you love...deeply and know there's good love in that box...
I hope it finds our flat..I do...but if not...
Thank you because I still profit from the love anyway.

I love you both like the wind loves the dirt ; )

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!

hello friends,

i just got off the phone with a very nice lady at the post office before i lost my shit about rufus still not yet receiving the box of goods i sent to france on may fuckin 26th. it's all okay...i know, i know.

i'm having one of those lives right now in which i find myself so overwhelmed by everything that's happening, i just don't want to get out of bed. i want to sleep all day so i don't have to move forward. yet, when i'm lying in bed trying to sleep all i can think about is all the shit i should be doing and what a shit i am for not doing them. i've been experiencing some rising anxiety which raises concern for me because it means the gremlins and squatters are winning. i can't see my way out of a paper bag right now.

i've recently started coaching again with elizabeth whom i used to coach with some years ago, you may remember. we've been talking about relationships. my relationship with my body, hair, anxiety, etc. as it turns out i'm pretty good at relationships just not the ones i'm trying to secure with the aforementioned parts of myself and to make matters more freakin confusing is that i'm also nurturing a strong relationship with cici (see see)in my head and it makes it very difficult to have clarity. i'm in a bit of a state of shock/ panic. i think i need to break up with her.

actually i think a better way to describe things right now for me are to write that i'm in the in-between stages of things. in-between two households, in-between getting my gyrotonic certification, in-between, in-between. it's most frustrating that i'm not seeming to get anything done. it's like the freakin box mailed to france, it's just out there, in the world somewhere and it feels as though that is setting the tone for so many areas for me right now. i just want the box to arrive, i want to stand on solid ground, i want to know there is order and that things are moving forward and that my faith and hope serve as guides leading me somewhere, things are not only in vain.

i'm also worried about mortality lately, mine and the people around me that i love. any chance i could go off and live in a hole somewhere and let all this pass me by? any chance you'd wanna come with me? i'm just so over thinking about the why's the why's and the how's are feeding the frenzy of squatters, like poriah on my brain and heart.

kerry heads to europe this thursday and his parents will be away as well. with any luck, i can turn this train around and have some compassion for myself and start to embrace this process and contribute in a meaningful way.

as mirabella says-

peace out

xo
myriam

See it here? In my eyes? I really really miss you too.

I suppose we should have a talk ladies, right?
We 3 have learned to choose our realities and make them happen. I learned how to do this from the 2 of you. Because you're brilliant at manifesting stuff. Brilliant.
Donc, alors, SO....If we really want to be in the close vicinity of one another in our futures, we should start working on the manifestation now, right?

My heart is full when I think of margaritas with the 2 of you. And like MJ says, it, my heart, breaks at the same time. It hurts me down in places I didn't know could hurt that I'm not there to celebrate the house buying and to feel the bun growing in Linda's hot little oven : ) It really aches so much.
I feel that I may not make another year here, where I am happy to be...so happy to be. But I worry that I am making mistakes....that we will not be together. I need you both. I need to know that you love me. I need to know that it's okay...that what I do is good....I need you for that...I need to be on the porch...I need to make the soup...I need to help strip the wallpaper...I need to make tea and kiss Max's cheeks...I need that....

What do we want? How can we manifest our time together?
What would you envision for us.
Is has to be more than a week long visit each year.
We seem to be heading to different places eventually.

Mati and I are going back to Long Beach to live with Myriam and Kerry for 2 years before we head north. (I can't even imagine that it could be true....is it true that we'll there with you? oh please say its true...)
Then, we'll be in 3 different places.
but we must spend the summer months together....we must plan for our futures....together...
Please. I do need your love.

I just downed the cyber tequila shot and am waiting for my next margarita please...
and
thank you from the bottom of my heart for making my wedding come alive and thank you for the love.
I'm lucky to have you.
Ruth

PS. That little activist who never said anything at the board meetings in my head? She's determined to be heard now....don't ask me why...I just go where I'm led
: )
www.canuhearus.blogspot.com

I DO!

oh boy does that sound like heaven. a perfect margarita with you both. on the porch. after a long day. or maybe sitting in those red rocker chairs. those were the best. i love you guys.

Margarita's Anyone?

posted by myriam
so it's almost 4 now and i'll be out of work by 5. my plan is to head home, change and meet you guys outside on the back patio by 5:30 pm. i have so much i want to talk to you about i can't wait to get together...

i am seriously missing you two right now. with all the people and things and happenings, i just want to be with my friends. my friends who's beds i can crawl into and watch change several outfits or watch sex and the city with or just laugh and force to make egg rolls wrapped.

i'm lonely for you and lonely for a life that doesn't require so much contemplating from me. i want to sit outside on the grass at the farm and watch max run. i want to sit on the floor in the kitchen and watch as ruth makes soup.

it's all passing so slowly and so quickly at the same time. it is breaking my heart and it's also kicking my ass in a good way. it means i've had to spend A L O T of time with myriam and well in some instances it's fun and others it's not. either way, it's all unfolding as it should i suppose.

i just really wish you'd be on the porch tonight when i get home...

love you
myriam

The Joy of Less...

Just this morning I was thinking about this notion of happiness. I've been recognizing that I am happy more days than not lately, yet I do not have a sense of comfort, openly sharing that energy. I'm not sure if it's becasue I rely to heavily on energy from those around me to encourage or sustain mine, or becasue I let shame slip in and take my joy. It's probably a bit of both. Of course the Universe had a response for me to this question and sent the answer directly to me...

June 7, 2009, 10:35 pm — Updated: 1:09 pm -->
The Joy of Less
By Pico Iyer
“The beat of my heart has grown deeper, more active, and yet more peaceful, and it is as if I were all the time storing up inner riches…My [life] is one long sequence of inner miracles.” The young Dutchwoman Etty Hillesum wrote that in a Nazi transit camp in 1943, on her way to her death at Auschwitz two months later. Towards the end of his life, Ralph Waldo Emerson wrote, “All I have seen teaches me to trust the creator for all I have not seen,” though by then he had already lost his father when he was 7, his first wife when she was 20 and his first son, aged 5. In Japan, the late 18th-century poet Issa is celebrated for his delighted, almost child-like celebrations of the natural world. Issa saw four children die in infancy, his wife die in childbirth, and his own body partially paralyzed.I’m not sure I knew the details of all these lives when I was 29, but I did begin to guess that happiness lies less in our circumstances than in what we make of them, in every sense. “There is nothing either good or bad,” I had heard in high school, from Hamlet, “but thinking makes it so.” I had been lucky enough at that point to stumble into the life I might have dreamed of as a boy: a great job writing on world affairs for Time magazine, an apartment (officially at least) on Park
In the corporate world, I always knew there was some higher position I could attain, which meant that, like Zeno’s arrow, I was guaranteed never to arrive and always to remain dissatisfied.
Avenue, enough time and money to take vacations in Burma, Morocco, El Salvador. But every time I went to one of those places, I noticed that the people I met there, mired in difficulty and often warfare, seemed to have more energy and even optimism than the friends I’d grown up with in privileged, peaceful Santa Barbara, Calif., many of whom were on their fourth marriages and seeing a therapist every day. Though I knew that poverty certainly didn’t buy happiness, I wasn’t convinced that money did either.
So — as post-1960s cliché decreed — I left my comfortable job and life to live for a year in a temple on the backstreets of Kyoto. My high-minded year lasted all of a week, by which time I’d noticed that the depthless contemplation of the moon and composition of haiku I’d imagined from afar was really more a matter of cleaning, sweeping and then cleaning some more. But today, more than 21 years later, I still live in the vicinity of Kyoto, in a two-room apartment that makes my old monastic cell look almost luxurious by comparison. I have no bicycle, no car, no television I can understand, no media — and the days seem to stretch into eternities, and I can’t think of a single thing I lack.
I’m no Buddhist monk, and I can’t say I’m in love with renunciation in itself, or traveling an hour or more to print out an article I’ve written, or missing out on the N.B.A. Finals. But at some point, I decided that, for me at least, happiness arose out of all I didn’t want or need, not all I did. And it seemed quite useful to take a clear, hard look at what really led to peace of mind or absorption (the closest I’ve come to understanding happiness). Not having a car gives me volumes not to think or worry about, and makes walks around the neighborhood a daily adventure. Lacking a cell phone and high-speed Internet, I have time to play ping-pong every evening, to write long letters to old friends and to go shopping for my sweetheart (or to track down old baubles for two kids who are now out in the world).
When the phone does ring — once a week — I’m thrilled, as I never was when the phone rang in my overcrowded office in Rockefeller Center. And when I return to the United States every three months or so and pick up a newspaper, I find I haven’t missed much at all. While I’ve been rereading P.G. Wodehouse, or “Walden,” the crazily accelerating roller-coaster of the 24/7 news cycle has propelled people up and down and down and up and then left them pretty much where they started. “I call that man rich,” Henry James’s Ralph Touchett observes in “Portrait of a Lady,” “who can satisfy the requirements of his imagination.” Living in the future tense never did that for me.
I certainly wouldn’t recommend my life to most people — and my heart goes out to those who
Perhaps happiness, like peace or passion, comes most when it isn’t pursued.
have recently been condemned to a simplicity they never needed or wanted. But I’m not sure how much outward details or accomplishments ever really make us happy deep down. The millionaires I know seem desperate to become multimillionaires, and spend more time with their lawyers and their bankers than with their friends (whose motivations they are no longer sure of). And I remember how, in the corporate world, I always knew there was some higher position I could attain, which meant that, like Zeno’s arrow, I was guaranteed never to arrive and always to remain dissatisfied.
Being self-employed will always make for a precarious life; these days, it is more uncertain than ever, especially since my tools of choice, written words, are coming to seem like accessories to images. Like almost everyone I know, I’ve lost much of my savings in the past few months. I even went through a dress-rehearsal for our enforced austerity when my family home in Santa Barbara burned to the ground some years ago, leaving me with nothing but the toothbrush I bought from an all-night supermarket that night. And yet my two-room apartment in nowhere Japan seems more abundant than the big house that burned down. I have time to read the new John le Carre, while nibbling at sweet tangerines in the sun. When a Sigur Ros album comes out, it fills my days and nights, resplendent. And then it seems that happiness, like peace or passion, comes most freely when it isn’t pursued.
If you’re the kind of person who prefers freedom to security, who feels more comfortable in a small room than a large one and who finds that happiness comes from matching your wants to your needs, then running to stand still isn’t where your joy lies. In New York, a part of me was always somewhere else, thinking of what a simple life in Japan might be like. Now I’m there, I find that I almost never think of Rockefeller Center or Park Avenue at all.

Happy ONE YEAR Anniversary!

this picture really does tell the story, doesn't it??







ah, the happy family.

Pill Cam GOOD LORD!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CBithokDAzs

Rufus, I'm not sure if this is a good idea to send this to you but I know you will love it....

xo
m

I tried putting my comments directly into your posts.
Just to see if it felt different like I was talking directly to you or something.
So is that okay?

on another note...

this weekend i completed my pre-training for gyrotonics. i did 2 weekend sessions, 3 days each, 5 hours a day...

Ruth says : )
I checked out the gyrotonics on Youtube and it looks so cool what you're doing.
You're learning to teach people how to use that equipment and do those good exercises.

so next i move onto the foundation course-3 weekends thurs, fri, sat, sun 7 hour days

then i'll be ready to apprentice and then i can offer training to folks for 60 hours...the process will take me about a year to complete and i'm just slowly taking my time and appreciating my body for it's resilience and courage.

Ruth:
Yeah, the courage, right? I appreciate your courage too. Your commitment belongs to us too and helps make others more brave so congratulations.
we are partners in this my body and i. it's a strange relationship, feels like someone i've been acquainted with for a long time but have never really had a conversation with or bothered to get to know...

also, today we sign closing papers on our house

Ruth:
What is that like? How does that feel? The tile is good in photos and I like that bathroom wall too.
Built in 1924, it kind of looks like that bungalow craftsmen style from the front. Is it?
Your home looks like home. I can't wait to hear more if you're keen to tell.

xoxox

myriam

colon

i've been thinking a lot about my colon lately, actually obsessing about it. thinking about this little pouch in my stomach that if i understand correctly holds 8 days worth of meals before it passes through my colon? this little pouch which hosts my intestines that if i understand correctly are 5 feet long or is it 5 yards long? this little pouch which reminds me of a story our friend keri-lynne told me about her friend who went to have a colonic and the technician discovered a WORM, a freakin parasite a FOOT long that had been very happily living inside of her, literally sucking the life out of her.
i've been thinking about this because the gas i've been experiencing in the last couple of months is rancid and clearly is indicative of the fact that something evil is living inside of me. also because i have been visiting this temple and in the bookstore area of the space there are books and books and books on eating and raw food and colonics, and how the water we drink has too much fluoride and how the soap we use has too many chemicals and how the food i eat is full of pesticides and cruelty to animals.

i am not overwhelmed by all the information, what does overwhelm me however is that even with all this knowledge, i sit down to eat and do so completely unconsciously. i hear ruth's voice in my head saying eat the greens first, and i do yet, the fries came and she offered me some and the bread pudding came and i tried just a bit. this isn't going to be a long rant about body image and the such, it's more of an observation of how little regard i have of what i know to be true and how i process or better yet, incorporate and integrate information into my life. i have been noticing lately too that i have physical angst around eating now. i start to feel the food breaking down inside of me and sticking to every part of my insides only to be turned into stanky farts. then there is this issue of sugar, suddenly my system is craving sweets, though, i'm not even sure if it's craving as much as habit. always have to do something bad to counter some of the good that i am doing.

the disconnect here is the way in which i'm processing information. i read or learn then when it goes into my brain somehow the default of where the information is stored is in a pain center, a big black bag so to speak and i don't like going into that bag or center so then it just sits and festers into stanky farts and like a cloud of toxic vapor expels from my ass into the air serving as a reminder that no i haven't in fact made any real change.

i'm tired, tired, tired of this conversation friends. i pray for courage, a pray for the spirit to start again, i pray for the belief that every new effort brings me closer to change...

myriam

Clickez ici
Click here

canuhearus.blogspot.com

Something's Happening to me Here....

I love and adore you both so much more than words on a blog could say.
I feel a bittersweetness when I look at the photos of the JOY dinner and the growing belly and the new haircut. I am grateful for this technology that allows me to see your faces online...but will never take the place of running my fingers through the new softness of Linda's hair and placing my own head on your tummy to hear the goings on in there.
I would have given anything to have been another moved heart and proud face sitting around the JOY dinner table and listening to you speak of your dreams and intentions to help heal the world.
But still I am grateful for my opportunity here...my growing French vocabulary and the vast amounts of time spent learning more about ego, pain body and my relationship to the present moment.
Last week, we were at the Lavo-matic doing laundry and I caught my reflection in a full length mirror.
It was one of the few times I've seen myself in full length over the course of 9 months.
I look in the mirror each day while washing my face and such but I've not seen my entire body like that but 2 or 3 times. It was strange. I don't even know what to say about it except that
Something is happening to me here through my invisibility.
By invisible, I mean the infrequency with which I actually see my entire self in the mirror...and how infrequently others really see me or know me....like my dear friends at home who SEE me.
Something is happening to me here - possibly I'm changing more than I can even detect and I'm hoping it will be okay.
I love you both and will be happy to see you both again through the eyeball and be seen too.


.......................

it's a JOY-full world

"what makes me something is being with you and being with my family and making soup and eating really good rice and holding my love and laughing and being a good friend and keeping my life really, really simple. what makes me something right now is knowing that i am choosing to nurture and slow down and honor the gifts that come to me and oh baby do they come to me. what makes me something is feeding my soul."

http://www.flickr.com/photos/90027238@N00/sets/72157617564378869/

25 weeks and growing...

chop chop

Sloooow down.

I just attended my first birthing class last night. It was good, really nice. I like the instructor fine, she's new and very nice and, well I have to admit I was hoping for an instant, karmic, kindred spirit kind of connection. but that's okay. She's nice and has been through 3 births using this Bradley Method. www.bradleymethod.com. she went through the intro to the class, what this method is all about, do's and don'ts and exercises to get started on.

Mandi: you know you shouldn't lay on your back, right? (in a very sweet voice)
Linda: why.
Mandi: well because the heavy uterus is pressing on important blood vessels....
Linda: well I was told just recently by a midwife that it's not a problem.
Mandi: oh, okay. well probably they mean especially in the last trimester when the uterus is REALLY big and heavy.

(later in the class)
Mandi: you all have heard about Kegel exercises right?
Us: yes
Mandi: you want to do these 50x day, at any time, driving your car, sitting at computer, watching tv, making love...(interupted by Linda)
Linda: I actually have a PT friend who is in women's health and she strongly recommends against practicing this while you're peeing.
Mandi: against this?
Linda: yes, because you're then training the muscle to prevent full drainage of urine which could lead to UTI's.
Mandi: oh. well I think we just teach that it's okay to test your strength by 'trying' it while you're peeing, but not to practice it while you're peeing.

(later in the class) the exercise: pelvic rocking
Mandi: okay, get on all fours and now tilt your pelvis under and then arch your back and tilt it the other way.
Linda: this can also be done sitting on a physioball.
Kelly (other preg mom): how do you do that?
Linda: (proceeds to slip into PT mode and explain how to do this and why it's so great).

(a little bit exaggerated on the last one up there. i actually did ask nicely if that exercise could also be done on the ball or if there's a reason why it's better to do with against gravity.)

another exercise: the Butterfly.
Mandi: sit facing your partner with feet flat on floor, knees bent. now, dads, you're going to place your hands on the outside part of her knees and gently give resistance as the moms press against your to slowly open legs and allow them to move toward the floor. This strengthens the inner part of your thigh which is helpful during childbirth.
Linda: (thinking to herself only, thank GOD!) well, actually it strengthens the outer part of the hip muscles...the abductors, not the inner part.

Okay - so I'm thinking to myself much afterwards...Linda, soften, soften, soften. Why do you come across so curt and know-it-all-ish. just let the new nice teacher teach and feel confident teaching.

She super nice. This is her 2nd class and therefore we're getting a big fat discount. and I'm sure when I let my resistance down I will indeed feel a genuine connection to her.

last advice of the night..
Mandi: Slooow down. Make time to learn how to relax in the midst of chaos. It'll do ya good, especially in childbirth.

Now that I did not argue with.

Love

tuesday, 8:22 am, long beach,

morning kiss before i leave for work...

myriam: baby, thank you so much for all you do, i love you so, so, so much

kerry: (eyes closed, sleeping mumbles) mmhhmm

myriam: do you know how much i love you?

kerry: (still sleeping mumbles through heavy sigh) mmmmhhmm

myriam: (kissing cheeks and forehead) how can you tell how much i love you? how do you know?

kerry: i can taste it in your tostados(rolls over, puts pillow on his head)

The Dream
> 
> *Sometimes a dream lands so hard
> it flattens you.
> 
> I liked it better before, you moan,
> waving my dream like a silk handkerchief,
> light and soundless above my head.
> 
> It could have been anything,
> a kite, a bird, a large balloon
> with three passengers.
> 
> Instead, it landed in your lap,
> you asked for it,
> secretly you had been reeling it in for months
> like a trapped fish.
> 
> Too big for the net--
> it loves you more than you love it.
> 
> It wants to stay here forever,
> smiling and cuddling
> in the bosom of your days.*
> 
> ~ Naomi Shihab Nye, from *Words Under The Words*

xo-myriam

Here I am...

hello sisters

far too long since i've written. my apologies FO SHO. let me bring you up to date with the myriam show in case you have missed the last few shows. in the last episode, we saw myriam working towards embracing her choice, choice for joy and choice to clarifying her vision of her life. in the midst of this euphoria, chaos descends on her solace, like a vengeful gladiator, ordered by his monarchy to annialate and conquer weaker souls. aaah but our heroine, armed with tools and lots of wine and anti-depressents and breathing techniques, rages into battle with the demons of her past, including mother/sister angst, mother/wedding angst, house buying angst, eating to live angst and lastly mother creating a new life angst. though each battle takes it's toll on her spirit, she fights with vigor to defend her she continued to rise, her sword of compassion and faith leading her towards victory, peace and joy and love her holy grail.

it's been a wild ride and mostly, i am taking things slowly with myself, bump here and there but for the most part, my heart is content. it appears that we will be home owners on may 5th. i'm sending the link for you to view via email becaus I can't quite figure out how to link it here.

recently, i did a few phone calls with an eat to live enthusiast and although i thought it would be rolling hills and bluffs, i am glad to have had the experience if only to remind myself that it's not a food thing, it a love thing Myriam. both she and my therapist encouraged me to create a list of affirmations. i did and though i have been saying them everyday, i admitted that i felt pretty detached from them. they read more like dreams really. so in a session last night, we broke it doooooooown. here's what we came up with-starting anything new typically has an end result, so for instance wanting to swim an olympic size pool. first, i start with swimming lessons, learning to breathe correctly, learning to use my legs, coordinating my arms and then practice, practice, practice. where i seem to get stuck is almost right after i sign up for the swimming lessons. well, actually no, i get stuck after the first lesson when breathing is challenging and my logic says, "you can't do this, you will drown, you are old to learn how to swim etc..." when what if i could say, hhhmmm mastering breathing isn't quite working for me this way way, let me try and figure out another way. usually what i do then is give up, surrender to the "logic", dirty bastard logic. i realize i do have the capicity to learn to do something, i just need the patience and compassion for myself to take the time to determine which path works best for me to attain my goal. don't give up the goal myriam. then the most exciting part is that as i practice, the legs start working, then i get the breathing and then suddenly holy shit i'm swimming...

as i type this and read it, i realize it's so simple the concept and wow that i am really intergrating it now. so i keep on keeping on with my goal of being kind to myself and honor that each new effort brings me closer to my goal of optimum health and self-love.

on the wedding front, we have put plans on hold and our allowing life to present it's plan for us. the searching/planning/calling/emailing/scheduling of it all started to create angst as we try to be in our joy.

speaking of JOY, we are hosting our first dinner as we move towards using our company to create change and good in the world. JOY spread the word, suppers, stories and song will be held on April 30th. The event will be videotaped and then will be posted on our site so you can view it.

love you both so much!

myriamjosephloeschen

Tired of Speaking Sweetly

Love wants to reach out and manhandle us,
Break all our teacup talk of God.
If you had the courage and
Could give the Beloved His choice, some nights,
He would just drag you around the room
By your hair,
Ripping from your grip all those toys in the world
That bring you no joy.
Love sometimes gets tired of speaking sweetly
And wants to rip to shreds
All your erroneous notions of truth
That make you fight within yourself, dear one,
And with others,
Causing the world to weep
On too many fine days.
God wants to manhandle us,
Lock us inside of a tiny room with Himself
And practice His dropkick.
The Beloved sometimes wants
To do us a great favor:
Hold us upside down
And shake all the nonsense out.
But when we hear
He is in such a "playful drunken mood"
Most everyone I know
Quickly packs their bags and hightails it
Out of town.
---------------------
Me, I always want to hightail it too...but now, I'm more inclined to stick around for manhandling.
I love you both,
Ruth

i miss it..

oh - seeing that picture of our old bungalow...i really miss that time we had together in that place. you know, the one with the rolling hills behind it? it was unlike any other time and i'll cherish it forever.
-linda

"...my heart got stuck on this idea..."
*sweet lovely friend...you're heart didn't get stuck...your head/mind/ego/pain body did...
your heart knows exactly what it needs to do in order to be the best tante/sister/friend/wife/healer/woman/soul train dancer...and that is to let/create floods of joy/love into your own life...
your head/ego/pain body is the predator that preys and won't allow you to forget its existence....and that's okay...just remember it: /ego/pain body NEEDS to feed...and just your awareness..."there it is" will dissolve those thoughts....In the words of our friend Eckhart Tolle - "pain cannot feed on joy, it finds it quite indigestible" : ) but remember how the pain body will hang around, seeming to nap....with one eye open ...waiting for the opportunity to roll in on you and find ways to snack....just acknowledge it and stay STRONG AND STEADY....the light of your awareness will transmute those thoughts so they become neutral...- not necessarily a feeling of deservedness....I think to fight for that feeling is a bit of a riddle...you may not recognize that you feel deserving....when you are living your life...does this make sense?
If you are living your life, minute by minute....making your history after each breath you take, then the ego doesn't have a chance to evaluate who is deserving and who is not...its a moot point...EVERYONE IS DESERVING.....
"....why do i get to have love, why do i get to have kerry, why do i get to have gyrotonics and trips to france and friends, and joy???". this idea stayed with me through the night and into today. this morning i listenened to myself as i came to this realization. "it's not that i GET to have anything, i CHOOSE to have this life and these opportunities...."

**that's damn right, you chose to have a life FULL and FOCUSED ON LOVE AND GOODNESS...you chose to stay focused on what feels good...you do the needed exercises each and everyday...you discipline yourself to focus on the goodness in your life and the life of others...it's not always easy ....but you do that because you CHOSE it...Damn Straight -
*****and because you CHOOSE this life focused on joy and love...As a result, you are letting your light shine...and remember how that gives others the opportunity to allow their light to shine too?? They can see in your life....your life of joy and love is good for them...you have a responsibility to keep that good stuff going...it's your responsibility as a real live angel...that's your job...Ms. Myriam...your job on the planet is to enjoy your life....and that's how you are able to give in the way that you do to the children and the others....stay the course...


"it's clear to me though that this idea of deserving and claiming is where i am having a disconnect."
***this statement is an ego and pain body's way of ganging up on you...you have no disconnect...
***you don't have to feel deserving...that's a trick by the ego...don't let it fool you.
Remember: EVERYONE IS DESERVING. EVERYONE.

You just have to keep living your lovely life and find enjoyment there...you've already "claimed" your life ...or you wouldn't be experiencing the things you're experiencing...don't let your brain take over...don't take those "thoughts" too seriously....it's not serious....



just keep living and stay the course...like you have been...you are a real live angel....a real live angel...
much love,
vagina girl in france

Stay the Course

STRONG and STEADY.


a new mantra to replace 'save yourself'.

Choices

you're right, myriam. you are on to something. stay close to that 'something'. it will become more clear and stronger in your heart until the emotion that is the faint one is that of feeing unworthy of your joy.

all of this, all of what we are, what we do, comes down to choices we make. obviously some things are handed to us. melissa didn't choose to have MS. but how she handles it, how she manages it, and all the other aspects of her life - where she lives, how many babies she has - are a choice. same with your mom. the way she handles this news is a choice. she may not believe she 'knows' any other way, but she could. it's easier to stay where you are used to being emotionally. it's easier for your mom to react this way than to learn other ways she could handle it, despite the fact that it would benefit her, and also everyone else involved, especially melissa.

you are exactly right. you don't GET to have the joy in your life that you do. you CREATE it. and all you can do is be the best YOU and tante and sister and daughter and (future) wife and friend that you can be and that's it.

KABOOOOOOM!!

well, the proverbial shit hit the fan last night as i answered the phone to my mother's voice, upset with the news of melissa's impending pregnancy. i only raised my voice once as i shouted that i WOULD NOT allow myself to take on the stress of any family drama. i explained how this time is my time and yes, i have my concerns and that i have made a choice to committ to being the best tante (children need love and fun to grow)and sister i could be while still engaging in the pleasure and excitement in front of me. after a bit more discussion, we ended our call. i shed a few tears and then proceeded with my evening.

later as i started slowly unravelling, my heart got stuck on this idea..."why do i get to have love, why do i get to have kerry, why do i get to have gyrotonics and trips to france and friends, and joy???". this idea stayed with me through the night and into today. this morning i listenened to myself as i came to this realization. "it's not that i GET to have anything, i CHOOSE to have this life and these opportunities. it's clear to me though that this idea of deserving and claiming is where i am having a disconnect.

i believe i am on to something here, i would sure appreciate your thoughts as i make my way down here in the well.

This is becoming my dream....of hope for humanity...

16 weeks

new life,
in my belly.
i feel beautiful,
alive.

I Fluctuate.

Stephen Crane~
A man said to the universe:
"Sir I exist!"
"However," replied the universe,
"The fact has not created in me
A sense of obligation."

------------------------------------------------------------

I came across your guest posts a few days before you told us they were there.
I happened upon them and felt so strange.
I was clicking around the sides of one of Tracey's blogs and just came right up on a celebration photo...I didn't look closely at first...but I liked the title "Who's Winning?" so I continued to read without knowing the author...When I was finished, I thought, "niiicccce" ...and then I saw the author was YOU!!!

For a second, I was stumped.
Then I went back I looked at the photo more closely and saw it was a Red Sox game
and then you're sweet face right in the center....
Then I was kinda sad.
I wondered why you wouldn't have told that you were blogging in this way.
It was such a good piece of lovin' out there in cyber world ...

Then I scrolled down and found more!!
I read and read and reread and thought how much I love reading your stories.
I thought you must have forgotten that to mention these truly wonderful successes in your world.
And I didn't care.
I was just happy to be reading ... your stories.
THEY WERE AWESOME ...AND SOULFUL and spicy. and yeah...so thanks for telling ...cause i was begin to feel a little voyeur-ish.

I'm ready for spring.
I'm patient in my wait.
I'm not so good with the gray these days
I'm not busy and I don't mind.
Though sometimes I feel I'm wasting the gift of time
But its not true.
and my bones know it.
so all is well here
France is French in all its beauty and raw culture.
and from here, I love you.


Please tell more of your wedding celebration plans and stories of big love.
I like to hear of wedding bells and growing bellies.
Max's day care photos are tres minon. VERY CUTE.
-------------------------------------------------
Why I Wake Early

Hello, sun in my face.
Hello, you who made the morning
and spread it over the fields
and into the faces of the tulips
and the nodding morning glories,
and into the windows of, even, the
miserable and the crotchety –



best preacher that ever was,
dear star, that just happens
to be where you are in the universe
to keep us from ever-darkness,
to ease us with warm touching,
to hold us in the great hands of light –
good morning, good morning, good morning.

Watch, now, how I start the day
in happiness, in kindness.

~ Mary Oliver ~

I found it, our commune

www.ourbigoldhouse.com

Hello Loves,

been missing you both very much. Things have been up and down and all around over here, always coming back full circle though.
The best news is that I love Kerry so much and what a blessing that is to feel and know and have. We spent Sunday afternoon with the two of you. Well, sort of, we walked to the museum and then found a sweet little French cafe and I was transported back. I immdeiately started speaking French to the waitress who is from the Alps region but who's grandmother is from Rouen and has spent much time there.
I started talking about cafes, the 55 or is it the 88?
I had quiche and salad and Kerry had a baguette and the best vegetable soup he'd eveer eaten. Then he had a cappuciono and we sat and listened to French music and started planning our marriage celebration.

It was so lovely. We sat at a table of four and I imagined the two of you across the table from me, reminding me to enjoy the process and relish in the love and excitement that this man wants to share his life with ME!!!!

I have to post more later...back to work.

love
myriam

Guest posts

www.jenlemen.com

I've been guest posting on jen's blog for the last week or so...

i miss you terribly. it seems these days, i am blessed with so many opportuitiesto talk about you both. it keeps hope alive in my heart, it keeps you so close to me.

hope to speak with you this weekend.

xoooooooooxoxxxx


m

6 Months Today - I have been away from Home

Today marks the 6 month anniversary since I've been here in this city - Rouen.

While there's a soft and subtle ache in my heart from the distance between what used to be most comfortable to me and now, I continue to BE here.

I picked up a paintbrush to paint for my friends.
I rowed in my first french regatta.
I brought my neighbor tea and she extended an art invitation to me.
We ate rabbit for the first time and I was in the kitchen with the cook learning the craft.
We pulled thyme and bay leaves from the garden.
We took a walk with some passionate people who really know and love the history of this city and found out our flat is in the exact center of Rouen.
We ate Thai food with French people.
I visited a French hospital with a friend and she showed me all around the imaging centers where she works.

and I try to be kind each day.
Because of you.
Because you make me want to be a better girl.
Because I want to be good like my friends.
Because I admire you and cherish our friendship,
I am brave.

Love you,
Ruth

Love after Love

The time will come
when, with elation,
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror,
and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

-Derek Walcott


love you two!
linda

Take heaven! Take peace!

No heaven can come to us unless our hearts find rest in it today.
Take heaven!
No peace lies in the future which is not hidden in this present little instant. Take peace!

love love
linda

For Ruthie in France...

With that Moon Language
- Hafiz (translated by Daniel Ladinsky)

Admit something:

Everyone you see, you say to them, “Love me.”
Of course you do not do this out loud; otherwise,
someone would call the cops.
Still, though, think about this, this great pull in us
to connect.
Why not become the one who lives with a full moon
in each eye that is always saying,
with that sweet moon language
what every other eye in this world is dying to hear?

Adzuki, Butternut Squash Soup from 101 Cookbooks

2 tablespoons olive oil
1 teaspoon cinnamon
1 teaspoon coriander
2 teaspoons finely chopped chipotle pepper (from can, or rehydrated from dried chile)
2 teaspoons fine grain sea salt
2 medium-large onions
6 cloves garlic, minced
4 cups butternut squash, peeled and cut into 1/4-inch dice
5 - 6 cups water
5 whole canned tomatoes, chopped
4 cups cooked or canned adzuki beans

Heat the oil in a large pot over medium heat. Add the cinnamon, coriander, chipotle and salt and saute for a minute or two - until aromatic. Add the onions and saute another 5 minutes or so, until they start to go translucent. Add the garlic and butternut squash, stir well, and then add 5 cups of water. Increase the heat to bring to a boil, and once boiling, reduce heat, cover, and simmer for afew minutes, until the squash begins to soften - 5 - 10 minutes.
Once the squash has softened, use a potato masher and break up the squash pieces a bit. Add the tomatoes, and cook a couple more minutes before adding the beans.

Catchin up...

Hello lovelies,

It's been just two weeks since our trip and it already feels like I need to return. I have been warmed by the memories we created not only on this trip but the many wonderful moments we have shared. As I think about our friendships I recognize how blessed I am. It also makes more adamant than ever to commit to annual trips. It seems such a shame that we are so separated when we do really give one another so much strength and love. It's almost as though I need at least a weekly dose of RoobyLou, my drug of choice.

Last night I went to therapy for the first time since I've been back. I was sharing my recent experieinces with my therapist and as I spoke I felt such peace. I know that with our loss of the baby, I also let some other sentiments go. Tracey reminded me of that book we read by Sue Bender, and how she talks about the empty bowls. I understand as I sit and hold my arms open for what comes next.

I also am welcoming stepping into my role as a healer. I am capable of helping people heal and of shring blessings with people. I know my actions in these situations make a difference. I just know it.

WOA, okay let me stop.

On another note, I did tell Tracey about pooping in a bag. You know what, recently, well last year actually, the Clark household had some serious plumbing trauma. The toilet/ the washing machine, everything broke down. SO during their renovation stage, she and the girls went to the bathroom outside, but the poo was pooed into plastic bags. Isn't that wonderful. We are all kindred!!

Reminder of some things we spoke of on our trip:
annual trips to Rouen after the holidays for shopping (lou this was decided after you left)
Rufus, I'm going to send you some Henna
Eating my vegetables first and cut back on the booze
Composting toilet/Cobb housing

LOVE you both!!!Myriam